Pronunciation: /ih-moh-shuh ns/
“Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you” – Roger Ebert
Roger Ebert must have never known a woman in her menopause, for I know two things for certain:
- My intellect is constantly confused
- My emotions are very definitely lying to me all the time
I realise that my menopause is temporary due to the medication I got and I also understand that come what may, it’s much, much, MUCH better than the alternative, but my emotions are driving me crazy. Want-to-scream-loudly-and-pull-my-hairs-off-my-head kind of crazy.
Here’s why: every time something happens, whether it’s good or bad, I react to that with a corresponding emotion (like any other person would). E.g. my boss talks about a “promotion” and I feel happy.
What happens next, however, is that every possible emotion you can think of finds its way into my brains, stays there for a little but very overwhelming while, and then makes room for the next. This means that, even if something in essence makes me happy, this basic feeling is overshadowed by (in random order):
fear, anxiety, Total Uber Happiness!!, euphoria, depression, suicidal thoughts (not a joke, unfortunately. But just thoughts, no actions), doubt, impatience, panic, serenity, empowerment, sorrow, hysteria, laughter, singing, dancing, hatred, psychotics, hope, despair, A Lot Of Tears, heart-brokenness and, usually at the end of the day but also occurring at other times: total exhaustion.
I feel like being on an emotional roller coaster 24/7 and it’s sucking all energy out of me.
During one of my hysteric crying sessions my mother hugged me and told me it was all going to be okay, it’s all part of the menopause. Somehow, it both comforted me and got me more scared. This non-hormones thing is temporary for now, until they find out what’s wrong with me and fix me. But eventually, in my 40’s or 50’s, I will find myself in this position again.
But by that time I’ll just call someone and have myself put away for being totally deranged. It’ll be fine.
Until then, I have to figure out a way to get it together. One thing I came to know is this: whenever something happens, the first emotion I experience is the one that’s realistic and thus ‘true’. I call this ‘the core emotion.’ All that follows is just rubbish and mental breakdown-stuff, but that first, Freudian Slip-like emotion tells me how I really feel about something.
So at least I know I am excited about getting a promotion (I don’t really think it’s an official promotion, but to me it feels like taking a step forward). I also know the guy I thought I might be interested in, means nothing to me romantically. He told me he (suddenly?) has a girlfriend and my first reaction was a huge sense of relief. That it wasn’t me.
The idea that writing is becoming more and more important to me leaves me with a feeling of belonging and serenity. It makes sense. I might not be good at it, but I love it nonetheless and I’ll never stop doing it!
I also know I am growing more and more confident and happy about myself. Looking into the mirror is no longer such an ordeal and I laugh more about my mistakes than I ever did before.
You know what, maybe mister Ebert was right after all: my intellect might be confused at times, but my (core) emotions never lie. And knowing that makes me happy 🙂