Pronunciation: /ri-jek-shuh n/
“Sometimes I feel my whole life has been one big rejection” – Marilyn Monroe
I never thought I’d ever say this, but I feel as if I am Marilyn Monroe.
That picture? It’s a still from my horrific motivational film I had to make for a job interview (don’t worry, I’ll never show it to anyone – never again!).
There I was, little naive, nervous me, trying my hardest to come across as spontaneous, earnest, good-looking (why I even bothered for this… it’s useless anyway) and eager. But still it couldn’t prevent the inevitable from happening: complete and utter rejection.
A special folder in my email is designed for these kind of messages. Because at one point I thought: I might as well stock up on dismissals and collect enough to make a collage. See how many reasons for me not being fit for the job there are, and bind them together in an arty way. And then became super rich and famous off that, and shove that in all their faces.
So far no luck with that.
Anyway, this recent rejection hit me pretty hard. I think it’s because I didn’t even know about the job until I was contacted by someone from a recruitment agency, who did not only make me drive for over four hours for a lousy job interview with her that lasted twenty-five minutes, but also pushed me to get my stuff (CV, motivational letter and the doomed film) together ASAP. Because she had just the right job for me and she was in a hurry to place me!
So I put myself to work on all the items she asked of me, thinking she’d screen it first and make me edit the bad parts (like she promised she would), only to find, after three days of waiting fruitlessly, another rejection email in my inbox. The company I was supposedly perfect for has decided to, firstly (whatever the heck that means), invite someone else over for a job interview. The message was ended with: “[…] this procedure ends here for you.”
Oh, and the email was written by Miss Recruitment Agency herself. So there you go. She also wrote that when she finds another job opening near me, she’ll contact me in the future.
Yeah right. We both know that’s slang for: “you’ll never hear from me again”. B*tch.
I feel like such a loser! That I went through all the trouble to show everyone I was serious about this. That I actually started to believe it myself: that I could have that job. I. Me! The everlasting loser of my family, the one that has no prospects, no lover and no job. I could do something meaningful and in the line of my study! I could finally be doing something smart and well-paid and exciting!
Stupid. I am a fool. It’s been almost five years since I graduated from college. First there was the crisis and nobody hired anyone, and now it’s too late. For me, they can have ten others; freshly graduated, eager and young people. They don’t need me.
2015 has only just started and so far it already sucks more than 2014 did. Every time I get my hopes up (someone likes me, my family isn’t that bad and we can figure this out honestly and openly, my boss wants to give me more responsibilities, someone is recruiting me for an awesome job), it all leads to nothing but disappointment. And that’s exactly what I feel like at this moment: a disappointed reject.
I am trying, but it is really difficult to stay positive when everything around you seems to fall apart, or not build up at all. Last Sunday, the 15th of February, Dictionary Dutch had its first anniversary. It’s something I didn’t think would happen, given my past experiences with blogs, but it did! And I am proud of it!
I had so many ideas and new concepts for my little piece of freedom, but because my entire life is crap right now, I didn’t even have the time or energy to celebrate my blog’s first birthday 😦
Therefore, I am postponing implementing new changes and ideas to DD until my life is less turbulent than it is now.
I wish I could make all my troubles go away, but I can’t. I wish I could go back in time and change things, but I can’t. I can, however, give all drama a big finger and say: