“If you could look into the future, would you? If you could see it, would you even want to?” – from: Last Party by Mika
(Yes! I am over-quoting him because his concert is coming up and I am excited about going there!)
A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest conviction: I shall die soon.
I am not sure where this thought came from or why it woke me, but that night I was 100% convinced my life was nearly over and I would pass away soon.
It took me a few days to shake this feeling and tell myself I was perfectly healthy and nothing was going to happen.
But then I woke up one morning, not too long ago, with my head overflowing with worries, and suddenly one thought in particular popped up: “the only worry I have is that I can’t go to Mika’s concert.” This was followed by another early morning wake-up scare: an illogical reasoning that since my life doesn’t seem to have much value right now, it probably means it’s at its end.
And that thought was the final straw (although not the final thought, I’m afraid).
My stressed-out, overworked brains are now more than ever convinced I am going to die within the next four days. Because death alone can keep me from going to Amsterdam next Tuesday and lose my voice singing along to Mika’s songs (the best part of a concert is that everybody sings along and nobody sounds good. And even if anyone would hear your crappy voice over the loud live music, they wouldn’t care because it’s not their idol’s – hurrah!).
I don’t actually think I am going to die. What I do actually think is that this anxiety is a new symptom of being mentally lost, overworked and stressed to the limit. But I have reached a point where I can no longer keep my thoughts together; during the day I am fine and laughing at myself for being so silly, and at night the eerie feeling that my life will end soon comes back. Like when I was a child and the world seemed different when the sun was gone, it is as if there are two realities.
What I am doing now is await Tuesday. Basically, two things can happen:
- I die
- I don’t die
It’s as simple as that. In case I die, my shaken gut feelings were right after all, it will all be over, and I don’t have to stress any more. Plus, I am going to become the new Head Of Karma and teach everyone on Earth (who needs it) a few lessons in poetic justice (and I can be very creative, mind you!).
In case I live, I am going to quit my job. I’ll use my savings to travel to various countries, among which are Finland for a husky-sled ride and Canada because I’ve always wanted to go there. I am going to find out how to enjoy my life rather than plan everything, and figure out what I want to do with it instead of spending all my time working my butt off for a few pennies.
Even though I don’t fully believe I will pass away soon, it has set me thinking. About my life thus far and about what and who I’d miss if I were to go. Have I got unfinished business? Have I really wasted my life? What would be my biggest regret? Is it possible to take an inanimate object you’re very fond of with you to the afterlife?
Death has always intrigued me. Unlike my grandfather I do not fear it, and contrary to when I was depressed I do not long for it (I went from planning my death to planning my funeral. Some people think it’s strange I’ve picked out my own ceremonial music, I think it’s an improvement). Death is an irrefutable part of life and I am not afraid to go.
Just not before Wednesday, please. I will be very cross if I die before then.
(“If it’s the end of the world, let’s party!”)