Heart to Post


“Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values”Joshua L. Liebman

So, if instead of ripping someone’s head off I gently tell them I don’t feel the necessity to engage in a fake friendship again, does that mean I am mature? Have I actually mentally grown up!?

Wow, there’s something I never thought would happen! Very proud of myself right now 🙂

PS: The guy I talk about in this post and this post recently contacted me to ‘renew our friendship’. And I let him live.  I totally deserve some chocolate for that!

Heart to Post

Sunday Summary

(Week 39)

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever”Mahatma Ghandi

If we ought to learn something every day, this means by the end of the week we should have learned at least seven new things. Let’s see what happens if I keep track of what I’ve learned and put it in a list. The Universe knows I love lists, so why not give it a try.

Okay, here goes. These are the seven things I learned this week:

  1. Waiting for your future to happen equals missing out on that same future. I was waiting around to see if I would die or not, only so I could use the not-dead-yet-experience as a fresh start. This is more than silly (although I’ve felt quite upbeat since I didn’t stop breathing, to be honest). Life is too short. We all make mistakes. Your future is not planned out and written in the stars, just get up and do something about it yourself. Even a move into the wrong direction is better than no move at all.
  2. This might sound contradictory to what I just wrote, but patience really is key. Just keep in mind you don’t need to drop everything when you’re waiting for something to happen. Good ideas will come to you, karma works her magic around every time, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good things take time, and effort. Combining point one and two probably works best (note to self: let’s try that combo one day soon).
  3. Happiness is not a constant matter. That’s where I’ve gone wrong all these years! I imagined happiness to be some form of life instead of a feeling. Now I realise there are good days and bad days and happiness is intertwined with all of them.
  4. Letting go is easier than I thought. Revenge brings a bad vibe to all parties involved. Choosing yourself over getting back at someone is actually a good thing (and gives you a burst of well-deserved, positive energy!). It doesn’t mean you’re weak, on the contrary: it means you’re strong and mature.
  5. If you stop taking the world around you (and yourself) so seriously, life becomes more fun! Lip singing to my favourite songs while wearing ear phones and being out for a run makes me feel good, despite all the weird glances I get from people. I don’t care, I’m enjoying myself while working on my body and stamina. Who cares what other people think anyway? (Although this might explain why so many cars stopped to let me cross the street even when there was no pedestrian crossing area. The drivers probably thought I was mad).
  6. Compromises can relieve stress. I wanted to go on a husky sled ride in Finland for my birthday this year, along with staying over in one of the ice hotels, but it turns out the hotels aren’t built yet (they open in December) and the information I could find about the husky safari’s was vague. But, relentless as I am, I kept searching the web and I found a husky farm in the Netherlands, who also provide sled rides (even if it’s not on snow). Not exactly as I had in mind, but it’s closer by, cheaper, and this means I still get to travel to Finland one day and combine an ice hotel sleepover with a husky safari on snow! Win-win, which means less stress 🙂
  7. Not everything has to have a deep meaning. Here’s number seven of the things I learned this week: there’s a Mika song for every occasion!

There you have it, the educative sides of my week. I hope yours were as plentiful, eye-opening, fun and personally insightful as mine.

On to more learning moments! Have a great week everyone 🙂


Heaven (aka It’s Possible To Go To Heaven Without Dying First)

Pronunciation: /hev-uh n/

There's definitely a place in heaven for Mika“Father will you forgive me for my sins; Father, if there’s a heaven, let me in”from: No Place In Heaven by Mika

Well, what do you know: I am still alive! 🙂 Despite some serious lack of sleep after Mika’s concert last Tuesday, and after another cruel night filled with hot flashes and lots of worrying, I am alive and kicking!

Don’t worry, this post is not going to be all about Mika, even though I had a blast at his concert. Nor am I going to bore you again with my irrational fears of dying. As mentioned in earlier posts: I never really believed I was going to die in the past week, but try reasoning with panic attacks. I’m telling you, you’re better off starting a discussion with a wall than trying to talk sense into your own freaked out brains. The wall’s echo will be so much more rewarding than what any panic attack can give you, which is nothing.

Having said that, I thought it was quite brilliant how Mika’s concert tour is called “Heaven” and I thought I was going to die, so in a way I went to heaven and came back. Also (last thing I’ll mention about the concert), check out the picture at the top: I took it with my phone, which means the quality is bad, but it gives you an idea of how close I was to the stage.
And that without ever putting in much effort to get to the venue early. I fact, me and my sister were quite relaxed and laid back, having a nice dinner beforehand and joining the ever growing line of people just twenty minutes before the doors opened. How on Earth we managed to get this close to the stage is a mystery to me, but I swear I could stare Mika straight in the eyes.

I’m also pretty sure he didn’t stare back/didn’t see me at all, and if he did, he must have thought I was the creepiest fan in the room. But still. Had a blast 😉

Me and my sister at the concert
Goofing around before the show started

And now it’s back to reality! I am still alive. I took a sip from heaven and now I am going to take a bite of reality.
I am going to use this fake deadline of life (or rather: “death-line”) as a finish line for my old life and a starting point for my future. Sitting around waiting for my life to end is not a healthy thing to do for a twenty-eight-year-old. Nor is dreaming about things I want to do, and not doing them.

It ends here. Goodbye depression, sadness, panic attacks, and sleepless nights. Hello organising my future! I feel so excited I could sing! (which, if you click on the link under the photo, you might hear me do, along with hundreds of other people. Click at own risk, is the advice).

I believe it’s not a necessity at all to die, before going to heaven. Provided you have the right resources and the right mindset, heaven is just within grasps. And I am going to catch mine, no matter what.


Out To Lunge

For a split second there I really thought the lunges of today’s retro bodypump would kill me.

But luckily, I am still here. Maybe a little less alive than normal, but still breathing!

One more night to go! 🙂


Awaiting (aka The Day I Was Convinced I Was Going To Die Soon)

Pronunciation: /uh-weyt-ing/

“If you could look into the future, would you? If you could see it, would you even want to?” from: Last Party by Mika
(Yes! I am over-quoting him because his concert is coming up and I am excited about going there!)

A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest conviction: I shall die soon.
I am not sure where this thought came from or why it woke me, but that night I was 100% convinced my life was nearly over and I would pass away soon.

It took me a few days to shake this feeling and tell myself I was perfectly healthy and nothing was going to happen.

But then I woke up one morning, not too long ago, with my head overflowing with worries, and suddenly one thought in particular popped up: “the only worry I have is that I can’t go to Mika’s concert.” This was followed by another early morning wake-up scare: an illogical reasoning that since my life doesn’t seem to have much value right now, it probably means it’s at its end.

And that thought was the final straw (although not the final thought, I’m afraid).

My stressed-out, overworked brains are now more than ever convinced I am going to die within the next four days. Because death alone can keep me from going to Amsterdam next Tuesday and lose my voice singing along to Mika’s songs (the best part of a concert is that everybody sings along and nobody sounds good. And even if anyone would hear your crappy voice over the loud live music, they wouldn’t care because it’s not their idol’s – hurrah!).

I don’t actually think I am going to die. What I do actually think is that this anxiety is a new symptom of being mentally lost, overworked and stressed to the limit. But I have reached a point where I can no longer keep my thoughts together; during the day I am fine and laughing at myself for being so silly, and at night the eerie feeling that my life will end soon comes back. Like when I was a child and the world seemed different when the sun was gone, it is as if there are two realities.

What I am doing now is await Tuesday. Basically, two things can happen:

  1. I die
  2. I don’t die

It’s as simple as that. In case I die, my shaken gut feelings were right after all, it will all be over, and I don’t have to stress any more. Plus, I am going to become the new Head Of Karma and teach everyone on Earth (who needs it) a few lessons in poetic justice (and I can be very creative, mind you!).

In case I live, I am going to quit my job. I’ll use my savings to travel to various countries, among which are Finland for a husky-sled ride and Canada because I’ve always wanted to go there. I am going to find out how to enjoy my life rather than plan everything, and figure out what I want to do with it instead of spending all my time working my butt off for a few pennies.

Even though I don’t fully believe I will pass away soon, it has set me thinking. About my life thus far and about what and who I’d miss if I were to go. Have I got unfinished business? Have I really wasted my life? What would be my biggest regret? Is it possible to take an inanimate object you’re very fond of with you to the afterlife?

Death has always intrigued me. Unlike my grandfather I do not fear it, and contrary to when I was depressed I do not long for it (I went from planning my death to planning my funeral. Some people think it’s strange I’ve picked out my own ceremonial music, I think it’s an improvement). Death is an irrefutable part of life and I am not afraid to go.

Just not before Wednesday, please. I will be very cross if I die before then.

(“If it’s the end of the world, let’s party!”)