To Revive (aka Maybe Chocolate Will Help Me Restore My Powers…)

[Verb; ~Pronunciation: /too/ /ri-vahyv/]

  • Definition: Making time for yourself in order to get your thoughts straight and focus back, rather than running around all day like a headless chicken, hoping to please everyone around you. I’ve been there, but I’ve also been passed that stage. So I am going to try and bring back my kick-ass self. I am going to revive the real me.
“When is a revival needed? When carelessness and unconcern keep the people asleep”
– Billy Sunday –

Today I snapped at a friend. Did she deserve it? I thought she did, so she probably didn’t.

The thing is, she likes to pretend she is the best at everything: the smartest, the funniest, the wisest, the prettiest, the everything-est. And I normally don’t care. Which has led to some frustrating situations in the past where she’d treat me as if I was a moron and I’d clench my teeth and let her, but only to avoid a fight.

There’s a few things you can do to get me seriously p*ssed of. One of them is deprive me from sleep or make me feel insignificant, another one is to treat me as if I am dumb. I get it, I am blonde. But seriously… cut the crap. I am not stupid, I have a Master’s Degree and very well know the difference between work days and weekends, thank you.

Back to the story of today. The friend I mentioned is throwing a party of some sorts this Sunday. When she started planning, I told her I’d be there.  But as it happens, my eldest sister is not only coming over for my early birthday dinner that day, which was the initial plan, but she’s coming sooner to drink tea (read: eat self-made cake) and catch up.
In other words: I won’t be able to attend the party after all. When I texted my friend about this plot twist, she responded as follows: “I already thought you were ambitious, expecting to come to the party and have a family dinner afterwards.” It felt very belittling, and I hate being belittled.

Add that to the list of things to upset me.

I could only think if she was so clairvoyant, why didn’t she tell me? Why let me run around, trying to cut myself in half, to please my sister, parents, and her? It seemed a bit unfair. Add to that a remark from her about possibly not making it to my birthday celebration on Monday, because, and this is a translated-yet-direct-quote: “I might have a job then and work is more important than your birthday”. So yes, I snapped.

My whole week so far hasn’t been that great. All week, I think I’ve had about two hours to myself. One to watch The Walking Dead (I was SO RIGHT on who’d die!), and one for American Horror Story. Even playing with my gerbils felt like a chore. Not because I don’t love them, but because I am exhausted from running around all day.

I texted my friend I wasn’t coming over tonight after all because I am tired, cranky due to lack of sleep, and very sad because of bad news I received yesterday, about another friend’s health. The party friend replied: “Good luck then ;)”.

I know my text was long and cranky, but I’ve had it. With today. With this week. With myself. I notice I am reverting to old behaviour: being snappy and irritable. Unappreciative of good things and careless of others’ feelings.

It’s all very well explainable, sure. But if I can’t understand myself, how can I expect someone else to? Plus, I know people are inconsiderate of my feelings, but if I turn into one of them surely I am no better.

The time has come to take a step back and observe my current situation. To take some rest, reload, and find the new old me (or is that the old new me? Not sure). Revive Samantha 2.0 and move forward again. I think I owe myself that much.

So did my friend deserve to get snapped at? I say yes, even if I know there’s always more to a story than you see at first. But I am human, too, and it’s time people start treating me like one.

I’d say the reviving has begun.

What about you? Have you ever snapped at someone? Or what did you do to make time for yourself?

And who did you think would die on TWD? 😉 Just bringing this up again as I was dead right (pun!) and that always feels good!

Also also: how do you like the “revived” version of Addicted To A Memory? I told you I’d abuse every single chance I’d get to use that song 😉

Yeah, definitely on my way back.

14 thoughts on “To Revive (aka Maybe Chocolate Will Help Me Restore My Powers…)”

  1. Ugh! if only I had words of wisdom for you – have snapped plenty of times & have felt guilty plenty of times. if I do it often enough with same person or situation, felt enough pain over it, may eventually learn to button my lip. such a generous post – that we are all human! also, to remember that when someone snaps at us, they may feel badly about it later even if they don’t seem like they would regret

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it is the Fumdamental Attribution Error: we snal because we think the behaviour exhibited by our friends is directed at us personally, but it is not. It’s good to realise we are all just human and indeed, if we get snapped at it is good to remember how we felt afterwards, too. As with everything, it works both ways.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. often, when I’m not as kind as I wish I was, it has to do with things that have nothing to do with the person in front of me – often I snap because I’m tired or anxious about something else

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, but it comes across as personal, meaning the person who gets snapped at makes the fundamental attribution error; it’s when you forgo someone might have an external reason to be snappy, and appoint it to their character instead.
          I knew I went to school for a reason, haha :’)

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t been getting enough sleep recently. I’ve been in the same situation myself from time to time and so I know it can be really horrible. (I nearly said, “I know it can be really tiring,” which would probably have been my silliest sentence this month.)

    I’m sorry that you had angry words with your friend. You may have a point about what she said being rude and thoughtless. All the same, I hope you’ll make up soon. I hardly ever snap at people, but the few times I have done it have almost always been with the people I like best: family members and close friends. Sometimes I’ve been wrong and sometimes they have, but I love them dearly and my life would be much sadder without them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel at my ugliest when I snap at people. And it hardly ever happens, bit when it does it’s often someone close, as you said. Or maybe I’ve just been extra annoyed by discovering all the selfish people around me, I don’t know. Whatever it is, my neighbours seem to have a day off regarding rebuilding their house (I dreamt it had gone up in flames the second they were done, haha – not anything to do with me, though! D:), and I managed to get some sleeping done. What also helped was a sip (or two) from my dad’s rum, but let’s not mention that to him…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad you got some sleep. It sounds like you even got an entertaining pyromaniacal dream as a bonus!

        Rum is probably good for getting to sleep, but I haven’t touched a drop since a student party 31 years ago when I apparently drank a good part of a bottle of Malibu by myself. It was one of the very few times in my life when I completely blacked out.

        There was photographic evidence of various stupid things I’d been doing (nothing criminal or seriously unethical, thank goodness!), but I couldn’t remember any of them. I felt awful for about the next week and from that day to this I haven’t been able to look at a bottle of Malibu without feeling queasy.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Haha, I know someone who was once convinced mixing Baileys with (I think it was) sherry was a good idea. She ended up like you did in your revelation: without a single clue as to what she’d ended up doing. Unfortunately, there were also photographic and video evidences of her misbehaviour. She also told me she woke up in somebody else’s clothes, but didn’t know how that had happened :’)

          Liked by 1 person

  3. You have all the rights to snap at your friend. If she is treating you like this she sure as hell needed your snap. You two are friends, but she is acting really mean towards you. And if she was a really good friend she would have been able to see that you dont have a good week this week. So It kinda makes me sad and mad at the same time how she is treating you.. COME ON GIRL!! Go find your peace and rest and reload to be the best version of yourself again, you can do it but first find the rest and always stick by yourself 🙂 have a nice weekend!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I meditated for three sessions straight (my app was going crazy) and took some melatonin to help me fall asleep. I’m already better 🙂
      That friend… I’m just going to see how it goes, without putting in too much effort. If it’s always all about her, I don’t feel the need to try so much. Then again, maybe I’m seeing things wrong. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry about your challenging week. I hope you’re able to set the disappointments behind you and enjoy the weekend, your sister’s visit, and your birthday celebration. Happy Birthday in advance! J.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. After a few meditation sessions and a good night’d sleep I felt better. It also helps to know I have more people around me who care then people who don’t.


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