Knowing your weaknesses is knowing your strength.
Knowing your weaknesses is knowing your strength.
This time it was a fun yet busy weekend that kept me from posting my summary on time. Still, there’s always Mondays or Tuesdays to make up for them 😉
I read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Devoured it in two days flat. The story tells of a young man who sets out to find his treasure, and along the way learns to read the signs the Universe hands him in order to complete his quest. He learns people can write their own legend.
I know this book is fiction, but still. The thought behind it is very nice and comes quite close to what I believe is out there, too. Plus, it gives me some relief to know all I need to do to find out what my goal in life is, is follow the signs.
Think about it: if you always have to win and cannot take a loss, then who’s the real loser in any situation? One of my sisters is like this: always comparing her life to others and finding excuses for herself to pretend hers is better. Always better. I can’t imagine living like this. Life is hard enough already, imagine always having to come out on top, no matter what you do. It is impossible to excel in everything, so better get a realistic view and let go of some of that constant pressure. You don’t always have to be the best, as long as you always try to be the best you, that’s all you need in order to really win.
When I went to the supermarket last Tuesday I forgot to bring my mother’s store card. I was too lazy to go back home and fetch it, and decided if anyone asked if I had one, I’d just say ‘no’ instead of going through the trouble of explaining.
Eventually, when the check-out lady asked me the foreseen question, I couldn’t help but jokingly reply: “I do have one, yes. At home.”
The store employee continued by asking me my zip code and home address number, and punched that into her computer. Result: I still managed to get bonus points without bringing the actual card. The conclusion here is that it’s okay to be human. I always tell myself I try too hard to be the perfect costumer, and all people want to hear is a simple yes or no. But it turns out it’s okay to say more than that.
My parents are still on holiday and of course I had plans to meet up with friends, but in the weekends mostly. I love being at home, not having to go somewhere, not feeling the pressure to do anything else but lie in the sun and read books (like The Alchemist, for instance). A friend asked me if I was lonely, and the answer to that is: yes. Of course I am lonely, but that’s got nothing to do with my parents not being here or me not going out. I’ve been lonely for nearly three decades. In fact, I think I am the queen of loneliness and even if sometimes I do feel sad about that, I think in general I’ve grown quite immune to being alone.
For now, being alone equals peace. Not a lot, because my mind is still working over hours, but at least nobody is shouting or drilling or playing loud music when I am reading or studying Icelandic.
Honestly, parents. They are so much worse than teenagers when it comes to making noise.
My first night alone I heard faint sounds coming from the hallway. I was in my room and I swear it sounded as if someone was ascending the stairs. When my parents are home, this makes perfect sense to my brains and I barely even notice the fuss, but now that I am home alone I suddenly notice a lot of noises being made by… no one. There was nobody on the stairs, there was nobody slamming the doors a few minutes later, this afternoon I even heard a distinct banging sound, as if someone was kicking the door to the hallway, and I even heard someone call out my name once. But of course, there was never anything or anyone there.
Then, to top it all off, when I was lying in bed listening to music on my iPod, I had placed its case on my right-hand side. But when I wanted to put my iPod away again the case had gone missing! Now, my bed is set against a wall with a radiator and I am not the most sit/lie-still kind of person, so I thought maybe my iPod case had slipped in between the radiator and the wall.
I ended up nearly breaking down half of my room in order to find the case, but it’s disappeared. Gone. It can’t be anywhere else, but I haven’t found it yet. It’s not under my bed, it’s not under the mattress, the covers, in between the stuff I stored under my bed. It’s vanished.
And I swear I could hear someone laugh when I was searching…
Maybe this has something to do with number five, but all I know is after binge-watching season six of The Walking Dead, all of a sudden I see zombies everywhere. I mean, I know they’re not zombies, but my mind gives me a zombie-signal every time I see the back of someone walking down the street. Especially when they seem to be moving in not such a straight line and/or are wearing clothes that dance to the wind, like open blouses or wide T-shirts. My brains simply go like this, in one nanosecond flat: 1) A ZOMBIE! 2) Oh right…
It’s like Pokémon Go, but different, I guess. Maybe it’s a good thing season seven hasn’t come out yet.
I’m not exactly sure how this is going to help me, because I don’t really like money (at least not what having loads of it does to most people), but I guess what it means to me right now is not to worry too much. Which is exactly what I do, because I still haven’t found a job, so my income decreases slowly but steadily, and I’ve got nothing coming in to balance it off.
So I am more than willing to imagine my quarters being millions, but I am slightly anxious not everyone will share that feeling. Especially not when I’m paying for something… Hmhmm.
That’s it for week 34. This weekend I’ve only got one thing planned: picking up my parents. And that’s not on Sunday, so I’ll have no excuse for not being on time with my summary this week (unless when I fall ill, but let’s hope that won’t happen).
As usual, I’ll end with the Earworm Of The Week. After having to answer loneliness-questions this week, this song has been stuck in my head for days. I think it’s beautiful and a bit sad, and I also think I could be it: the Queen of Elba.
The same people who don’t understand why I am still single are the people I do not understand for finding a partner. More than often it seems to me they did not choose each other out of love or interest, but merely because they needed to have someone. It’s like they have settled for a mediocre option.
I’m not saying this is true in all cases, but I suspect it is so for the majority of the people who give me a hard time about being single.
I have been thinking about their nosy inquisitions and I think I finally understand this part of myself, the why I am so difficult about finding a partner.
Here’s the honest truth: I don’t want to settle, not in love. I don’t want to be with someone just because I should, I want to be with someone because I cannot be without them.
Those people in the picture are my grandparents. My grandmother died eighteen years ago and my grandfather followed her three years later. I’ve said this many times before: they are sacred to me. I love them so much that even after all this time I find myself missing them terribly, and I wish I could give everything I own to just spend one more minute with them.
They are locked in my heart, forever and beyond, and even if I wanted to (why would I ever?), I’d not be able to cut them out. They own a piece of my heart.
And they are not the only ones.
When it comes to love and affection I am overly picky and careful; too many times have people turned out to be dishonest, disloyal and sometimes downright cruel, stomping on my heart or even crushing it to pieces, because they could. Because I let them.
But there’s a handful of people, animals too, who have masterfully and silently grabbed hold of my heart. They are the ones I keep locked inside and miss every day, no matter how many days pass. They are the ones I still think and dream about, no matter if they are not on this planet any more.
The love I feel for them is eternal and I know for a fact it’s the same for them.
To answer the question of anyone who wonders why I am still single: I want someone to love long after death has parted us, someone who’s special enough to lock in my heart forever. Someone that’s worth adding to that short list of amazing people I can’t help but care about, for all eternity.
And I will never settle for anything less.
The weather seems as unpredictable as my mood these days. As I lay lulling in the sun I tried to think of a topic to write about. My grandparents came to mind, but none of my ideas seemed sufficient to reflect their awesomeness, so something else had to happen.
I flipped myself over to think some more, while simultaneously trying to get a tanned belly (which didn’t work out), and found myself wondering how it was possible I was sunbathing today while the weather had been nothing but dreadful the days before now.
I figured the weather must have mood swings, too.
For days on end we’ve had rain, storms, and more rain. I was just about to give up on Summer this year, when my parents packed their bags and went on holiday to Croatia, leaving me in charge of the house. As if by magic, the sun appeared and the weather girl announced a true heat wave coming up!
Imagine that, a heat wave in the Netherlands! This means for at least three days on end, I’ll be able to lull in the sun while trying to get a bit of a tan. Whoop whoop!
My second sunny thought today was how I’ve changed so much as a person and how this is reflected in the way I sunbathe: if I used to throw myself into the sun and not come out until my skin had at least passed three different stages of red (soft red – tomato – crimson), I had now taken the trouble of oiling up first and setting a timer. No more than twenty minutes on each side. Result: I feel good on the out- and inside and managed to not get a sun burn this time.
In fact, I managed not to change colour at all… Hm.
The truth is, I didn’t know what to blog about today. Not even one silly, mentionable thought popped into my head. Nothing worth posting about. Until I asked myself: what do you talk about when you’ve got nothing to say but have to make small talk?
Which, obviously, is the weather. But this isn’t nothing, it’s not just small talk (or small post for that matter). It’s like I am part of the weather: sometimes I feel good, sometimes I don’t. But whatever it is, it always comes around and goes away again. So it’s better to enjoy our happy moments for as long as we can, because you cannot be 100% certain as to when the rain comes to take over.
My current happy moments are being extra illuminated by the sun. It’s not often I get to experience a heat wave! So I am bloody well going to enjoy every lasting minute of it!
At least for the next two days, because who knows what kind of weather swings will happen after that.
Well, that would be the weather girl, probably.