“I will not seek perfection in the future, but happiness in each present”
– Random Paper Wisdom –
How come, no matter how much expected your visit is, you always manage to take me by surprise?
Yesterday, I attended the cremation ceremony of my adopted/illegal sister and dear friend C., who’d been engaged in her final battle with cancer since Fall last year. Last Monday she passed away, and even if I knew that moment was approaching, and even if my heart was getting itself ready to take in this final blow, you still managed to sneak your way around everyone’s backs, Death, and leave us gasping for air, wondering what happened!?
My feelings about this passing are mixed: I am happy for C. she’s no longer in pain, fighting an unequal fight. But I am also sad because she was one of those people who are so amazing it’s impossible to ever forget them. And they are rare.
A part of me was confused as well. I have only known C. for a little over a year, as we met during a trip to Canada. But instantly I had felt a connection between us, even as we introduced each other at the airport, waiting to board our plane. It was something I couldn’t describe; we simply clicked.
I have problems trusting people and this makes it difficult for me to let people into my lives, to embrace them and open up to them. So what happened here?
As I was getting ready for Canada, I remember having been hurt by someone who I’d given a second chance in gaining my trust and friendship. Something I’d never done before (I don’t do second chances) and something I’ll probably never do again. As it happens, this incident was the main reason for me to heighten the figurative walls around me and thicken them with an extra layer (or two… or ten!) of plaster. And in the mean time I had removed all windows, too. Just to be on the safe side: wouldn’t want somebody sneaking in through one of those!
As I finished up my work I took a step back to inspect it, and that’s when I found C. standing right behind me. With some sort of silent Houdini-like act she had gotten into my sealed off tower and the craziest thing happened: it didn’t scare me one bit. C. was a force of nature who had let herself into my life and was planning to stay, and instead of being upset I offered her a seat and a place in my heart for all eternity.
Yesterday, during her final goodbye, a lot of people got to say a few words about C., about how amazing she was, what kind of a person she had been and all the ways in which she had touched people’s hearts.
Until then I’d never understood why we’d clicked, but yesterday I realised C. and I were two of a kind: born into different lives, but rationally and emotionally on the same level. Spiritually linked.
This makes me miss her more, but at the same time I cannot stop feeling proud. And feeling so incredibly grateful for having met her. For having been part of her life, even if it was only for a little while.
And for having her in mine. I am thankful for her to not even think twice about how to break down those walls, but to simply ignore them. That’s the greatest gift anyone could have given me and I am glad it came from her.
C., thank you for being who you were. You will be extremely missed.
Forever your illegal sister,