Heart to Post, Status Update

About All Kinds Of Issues

“Insomnia is a vertiginous lucidity that can convert paradise itself into a place of torture”Emil Cioran

Well, that writing challenge sure was over sooner than I thought… It’s been put on my list of things to do one day, yet I suppose we all know that’s code for probably never.

And I’m not even sorry about it.

For the past 29 days I have not really been sorry about anything. Like not working on my business – not sorry.

Neglecting my appearance – not sorry.

Not working out – not even going to try and be sorry about this one.

The thing is: I have insomnia. Don’t ask me what keeps me up at night, please, because I don’t know. I know it’s more than 1 thing, or else I’d be able to answer that question.

I know the English equivalent is about a camel and a straw, but in Dutch we say “it’s the droplet that makes the bucket spill”.

I feel as if I am the bucket, and I was doing okay, then all of a sudden all these small, seemingly irrelevant little things happened all at once and now I’m spilling over as if it’s the only thing I’m left knowing how to do.

I wouldn’t mind being this bucket, honestly. Come on, it’s a panda!

Things as my eldest sister turning evil and trying to feed me cherry pie. Like, really? I’ve hated cherries all my life, never even as much as eaten half a one, and you dare ask me if I’m sure I “don’t want just a small piece?” – talk about crap acting, too. She “did not get anything else as a treat for her 41st”, because she “assumed everyone would enjoy the cherry pie.” Imagine the whole family munching away and me sitting there with nothing.

And no, it’s not the cake. I couldn’t care less. It’s being excluded that hurt. Deliberately excluded. So there was that.

Then there was a series of happenings involving a series of ex-classmates. One of them started her own business, and even if she’s doing something completely different than me, she got double the Facebook likes in one week than I’ve managed to collect in two years. It makes me feel as if everyone sees it, you know, The Secret To Running A Successful Business, but me. I’m definitely missing something here, and it’s more than Facebook likes (which is funny, because I hate Facebook and normally don’t care too much for likes of any kind, anywhere. It’s just the thought of me doing something wrong and not knowing what).

About a month ago I’m driving my car and what do I see when about to hit a roundabout? A giant blown-up face of another ex-classmate who’s running for a local government office position (I don’t even know where to begin trying to explain this, so just picture a massive head on a poster and a terrible slogan to accompany it). It scared me. Not just the face (he is actually younger than me yet looks about 10 years older!), but the fact that he’s the main face of a big political local party and I am… where in my life, exactly?

Then my birthday comes along and I am not even allowed to take revenge on Evil Sister, because I live with my parents and, well, they just love to see their grandchildren munch away at home-made apple pie. So there you have it: my own sister treats me like sh*t, won’t talk about what’s bothering her and instead decides to go full passive aggressive on my butt, and I cannot even strike back because of her children. It’s like they’re her shield to avert attacks from outside. Yuck.

It feels as if I am still the doormat I have been trying so hard not to be. “Take the punches, but don’t ever think of hitting back or else I’ll keep the kids away from mom and dad and it will be your fault” – that’s what I hear, in my head. It’s quite possibly not entirely fair, but Evil Sister has once said: “Maybe I shouldn’t come home for a year and then they’ll respect me more, too” (referring to our other sister’s one-year disappearance act), so I am not keen on proving my theory either right or wrong…

And of course, my business is doing sh*t as well, and no, it’s not just COVID, it’s me! I have no *** idea what I am doing, and even if I am convinced I am a super coach (I actually really do believe I am great at coaching!), I lack in the Getting Clients department.

What also doesn’t help is that the person I hired to teach me all that jazz, a) has postponed the programme I enrolled in due to personal matters and b) possibly doesn’t understand me.

I am not like other people. You say things as social media following and I don’t get excited, I shiver. And what the heck would I do with email addresses if people were to sign up for my blog or website!? Why should I pester anyone with “special offers” when I’m really more into attracting people who already know they want a coach?

I’ve had coaching clients in the past. None of them signed up for any list, downloaded any free email clickbait or decided they should follow my persona because I am “so cool”.

I reckon it worked fine for all of us, really, but now all I hear is how building a list of emails is a must to be a self-employed coach (or anything else).

Al I am trying to say is that I don’t get it, the whole entrepeneuring-thing. To me, following what everyone else does because it works feels… fake. If there’s only one way of becoming a successful self-employed coach, wouldn’t that mean we’re all essentially doing (and being) the same? The same motives, the same techniques, the same methods, the same websites, the same stories, all over and over. Endlessly repeated like we’re The A-Team reruns on TV. How can you stand out when you’re only ever copying others?

There has got to be a different way, surely? But… I haven’t found it yet and so far it’s kept me from having had any clients in 2020. So, do I relent or do I keep fighting?

Anyway, to sum it all up: my life feels like a joke. And it’s a feeling that’s been simmering in the background, but has come to a boil due to all these separate events that quickly followed one another.

Have I mentioned yet that what keeps me up at night is my head spinning? As if I can’t turn it off, no matter how tired I am (and I am tired!! So, so tired!). My heart often beats so loud it’s as if it’s trying to come out of my chest, and every time I am about to fall asleep, I am immediately jerked back to sleeplessness by a panic attack or two, that increase in waves and force as the night lingers on.

My doctor (who is finally retiring!! BEST NEWS OF 2020!!) prescribed me highly-addictive sleeping pills that work – sometimes. Sometimes they don’t.

At least they’ve given me a goal for 2021: detoxing.

December 3rd is my date with – irony inserted here – a GP-linked coach.

In five days I am going to talk about my issues with a man who has the job I want.

Who knows, maybe he can give me a hint or two.

This post is growing much longer than I’d imagined… Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought, after all – and this is just the tip of the iceberg, really.

Anyway, that’s why I’ve been even more silent than I normally am: I don’t sleep. I am exhausted all day long, yet when it is time to close my eyes and drift off, all I do is panic.

And I wish I could say I am not sorry about that, but I am. Very much.

I refuse to give up, though. So what if I am different and it’s hitting me harder than it’s ever done before? I’ve had a long walk and talk with a good friend yesterday, and it’s helped me clear some things up.

And then there’s this last song, of course. My personal anthem, if you will. I don’t give up. I don’t run. Not from panic attacks, not from Evil Sisters and surely not from really scary giant old-looking men’s heads on posters (although when encountered in real life, I’d definitely run!).

You don’t get me down. I know, you keep me up.

But you also give me plenty of time to overthink my strategy.

Luctor et emergo.

I struggle and overcome – again and again and again. And again.

Here’s to everyone suffering from anxiety, stress, insomnia or all of the above:

We might not sleep. But we don’t run away from our problems, either.




gifs from Giphy

15 thoughts on “About All Kinds Of Issues”

  1. I’m sorry you have been going through this. I understand, and, empathize somewhat. I had been a pro musician with the Navy for 20 years. Then once I got out of the navy, I was never good at getting gigs for myself. It is still the same today. I practice at home. I’m good enough to play with any number of bands, but, I don’t know how to go out and get the gigs. It angers me so much sometimes. I don’t lose sleep over it anymore though. I HAVE given up I guess. But you don’t have to. You can be successful. Don’t give up. I can’t really say that I know you. I’ve only read a hand full of your post. However, I think you have a lot to offer the world. I suspect that you are very lovely. You are probably as talented a person as anyone you know. I can tell that you are very passionate about what you do. So, don’t think that you are lacking anything. Relax. You have to KNOW that you will succeed eventually. So, stop losing your precious sleep over it. I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Tony. Your words really touched me 🙂 I have not given up on me, yet. As for you I’ve not giving up on believing in you, either. We’re never too old to learn new things, such as how to step out of comfort zones and trying new things. My business coach contacted me a few days ago and the coaching-marketing programme is definitely set to start in january. If we don’t know how to do something, somebody else does and they can teach us, as we can teach them. Don’t you ever give up on yourself, Tony. Perseverence is what brought you here and perseverance can take you many more places.

      Thank you so much again. Your kind words really made my day 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Clarity. That is what you need, in various areas of your life. I hope you will find it soon. You know how to contact me, in case you could use not advice but a listening ear 😉 XxX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Patty. I might actually do that, since the GP coach was a bit of a joke (although I laughed so hard afterwards talking about it with my mother, I promptly slept well. Only for one night, though…)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am very sorry to learn about your struggles this fall. I understand the entire “it works for other people, why not for me?” feeling. And I get the family dynamics; I’ve struggled with a mild case of that the last few years, but nothing like all-out war. In short, I wish I had the magic words to fix everything. Instead, you have to settle for a virtual hug from overseas (and I’m not generally a hug person). Here’s hoping things will improve greatly and quickly for you! J.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d almost wish it was all-out war with my sister, at least then I’d know what was going on. Now it’s a whole lot of that beating around the bush-stuff I’ve seemed to have grown allergic to… Passive aggression sure is killing.
      Anyway, your virtual hug means a lot, thank you very much! I hope you are doing great yourself, so sorry for not having kept up with your blog. But I know me, I’m a pest to get rid off 😉 Give me some time and I’ll (literally) come around.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh no, I’m sorry things have been so ‘meh’ (for lack of a better word!) lately. I empathise with the insomnia. It’s torture. I’ve felt so overwhelmed lately and I think when you’re exhausted and feeling like you’re sinking, even the smallest of things can irk you big time. I don’t think the cherry issue is a small thing either though because it’s that feeling of being left out, of someone not considering you with that decision. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would have considered your sister. I often (always) feel like people are doing better than I am, they’re achieving more, doing more, and it’s a kick in the face when you feel like you’re trying 200% and wearing yourself down to the bone. You’re doing your best and that’s good enough. That counts for more than Facebook likes. Your ‘likes’ are genuine, whereas for others they may not be (ie. they may be doing the follow-unfollow nonsense or have more friends-of-friends to get likes for them!)

    I’m sorry things with your ‘Evil Sister’ are the way they are. I’ve had to call it a day with my older brother because, now I’m 32, I’ve realised I can only take so much and you have to draw a line somewhere.

    I wish I had some great advice or even something useful to say but I don’t. And I’d be a hypocrite for giving advice because I clearly aren’t doing too great myself! Please know you’re not alone in feeling the way you do with everything right now. And insomnia can and will change, it won’t go on indefinitely even though it feels like it will. I seem to go in cycles of varying lengths. I hope your appointment goes okay.. I’m always around if ever you want to chat, just drop me an email. No pressure, just want you to know. Sending lots of love & oodles of useless-but-well-meaning hugs.

    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Caz. You did have a lot of useful things to day, actually. Even if I don’t like to read you’re not doing well either, it’s somehow… comforting to know I’m not alone out there (especially when I’m awake and tell myself I’m the only one who can’t sleep). Your useless-but-not-so-useless hugs are greatly appreciated. Thank you again 🙂 I hope you’ll feel better really soon, it sicks to feel under the weather so much and not know how to turn it around. I sometimes wish I came with a switch or two.

      Liked by 1 person

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