From now on, I’m going to post once a week (I’ve got WordPress added to my action list!). About my life, because that’s how this blog started: as a diary. By going back to the basics, I’m hoping to learn more about myself – and the world I live in.
I lie awake, I drive myself crazy, thinking of you
• *NSYNC •
Last Wednesday I saw her again after three months: my psychologist.
I started seeing her for my insomnia earlier this year, and miraculously she helped me fall back to sleep. Little by little.
It’s so weird to realise you don’t actually realise all that’s going on inside you. I mean: you think you know about all that’s going on in your head, when really you don’t.
Stress builds up and my psychologist told me my stress levels are running through the roof: they’re more than 90% full, so every little thing that happens during a day adds to that stress, overflowing me. Which leaves me, well, sleepless in the Netherlands.
Over the past three months, my sleeping has gone slightly back to normal. I say slightly, because I still spasm heavily before falling asleep and wake up every morning at 6 am on the dot.
But other than that, I was doing fine.
So fine, in fact, that I’d decided I was A-Okay!
Only… that stress gauge is still running and my brain is still accepting new stress-entries on a daily (and subconscious) basis.
The first time my insomnia hit me back – hard – was the day my mother had her medicine appointment at the hospital.
As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I felt my head rage. And really rage: I couldn’t stop a single thought from wreaking havoc in my head.
I was mad, upset, lonely, disappointed and immensely sad.
All the hurt and fears from 10 years ago, when my mother had breast cancer, came rushing back as if they’d never gone.
It took me two attempts at meditation, one melatonin and, much to my deepest dismay, a regular sleeping pill to eventually pass out.
The second night I nearly saw through was right after my eldest sister’s and mine high tea.
Of which I shall never speak again (the monkeys, remember?).
My psychologist was all ears, and luckily all understanding, too.
“If there had been no direct causality for your renewed insomnia, I would have been much more alerted. You will be fine once you deal with this stress.”
She recommended a YouTube video (in Dutch, so no point sharing it here) with information about healthy sleeping, and advised me to take the “sleeping diet” the video speaks of: force yourself into a healthy sleeping rhythm by going to bed at midnight and waking up at 6am.
Seeing as I’m already doing the latter (for no explicable reason), I might as well try the first, too.
The idea is to force your body and mind into getting enough rest a night (5-6 hours of really good, deep sleep for 7-10 days straight) and to create more rest-moments during the day. These moments will actively help your mind work through your daily impressions, so it can prepare itself for full rejuvenation at night.
I hate waking up early, but I hate lying awake more.
And I love myself enough to give this a try ❤
How was your week?