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HEART TO POST – How Fear Can Help You To Focus

“The brain may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells with the body”Arthur Schopenhauer

Sometimes I fear I have a parasite, while in fact I know I don’t.

Do you recognise this? Maybe not the parasite part (at least I hope you don’t!), but what about that panicky feeling that rises when your health might be in danger?

I know I overthink. I know I over-worry. I know I get crazy at times and let that craze carry me away a little too far.

I know ALL this, yet I can’t stop it from happening occasionally.

It’s the struggle between thinking and feeling. How do you know if your mind is right? And how do you know it isn’t?

As far as parasites go, there are empiric ways to verify if your mind is pulling one on you or not. And I am happy to say my gut feeling’s always been right about this one so far (“You got nada”).

But what about the more important matters in life?

For instance, I was excited when I decided to simmer my business-building activities and focus on boiling out my health issues first. But even if I currently put in minimal work regarding my coaching escapades they still eat away at me by telling my head what I do is not enough.

I know I made the right decision – you cannot take care of others if you don’t function properly yourself – but sometimes it feels as if I didn’t.

I guess the trick is to find a certain balance between your head and your heart in everything you do.

And when that doesn’t stop your inner critic from complaining, tell it you’ve possibly got a parasite. See how quickly that shuts the little sucker up 😉

I’m kidding! Parasites are not funny. But the fear of having one swiftly put my mind back into priority-mode.

First things first. Always.

My health comes first. Always.

 

Aside

HAPPY NEW YEAR – January Is The Best Time To Get Your Priorities Straight

Happy 2020, everyone! I hope you had a wonderful 2019 and are ready to take on the new year with excitement, renewed energy and enthusiasm!

As for me: I have been doing a little better physically, but I am far from where I want to be. Still, an improvement is an improvement, no matter how small, and I take every teeny tiny flicker of victory as exactly that: a victory 🙂

As 2019 was rounding up, something magical happened: my youngest niece J. was born! As many of you probably know, we lost her sister I. in 2017. The impact of this loss caught up to me in a thousandfold as I held the newest member of our family in my arms for the first time. J. will probably never know how grateful I am for her presence, her heartbeat, her perfect existence in this less than perfect World ❤

I can honestly say I have never enjoyed holding babies much (something with them being so fragile and their head needing support), but this baby I’ve already held more times than I did the others combined. I keep finding myself in strategic positions so that her parents will pass her on to my arms, which they always do, heheh.

Something else happened: my *attacks* have lessened. That is to say, I still get sick and it still happens on a weekly basis. But it’s no longer always on a Wednesday and the force of the attacks has decreased. Seems like my homeopathic diet is working 🙂 I’ve also picked up working out, albeit on a very low level of intensity. I’ve had my first run since four months a little while ago and even did half a Body Pump workout a week ago. I am still exhausted after every exercise, but at least doing something is better than nothing.

And then there was the final realisation of 2019 that turned my whole world upside-down: I’ve been investing so much energy into this one particular someone, it’s literally been keeping me up at night.

When all went wrong again and my worries peaked again and I saw that person again and they pretended their life was A-okay again, it finally hit me: that person will never learn to take responsibility for their own actions, problems and happiness if I keep rushing to the rescue. I am wasting my energy on them. Energy that I very much need myself.

So I stopped worrying. I stopped wasting this much of myself on them, and decided it was time to choose for myself. To invest all that extra energy I now have into myself! 😀

And that realisation is the driving force behind my new goals:

I figured the dating is optional, but if I feel good and my business is making a profit, why not consider finding a partner? Who knows, in the worst case I’ll end up alone, like I am now, but I’ll surely feel fine about it because I’ll already have reached goals 1 and 2.

And just because making my business as a life coach a success is number two on the list, doesn’t mean I’ll not spend time on it now. My list of goals are actually my current priorities. Feeling healthy and content should always be everyone’s top priority.

It’s never been mine, though. I was always busy taking care of others…

In that light, me feeling terrible is a good thing. Because it showed me right where my flaws were: never was I really focused on me.

My goals (or priorities) have given me a renewed drive to work on myself and something to write about. For a while I was struggling where to take this blog to. I tried several things that weren’t really me. But now I’ve found something to occupy myself with that I can use as a topic for my writings as well.

I say that’s a happy start of 2020!

It’s just a bit sad I have to drive back to the restaurant at the other side of the country tomorrow, because that’s where I lost my credit card today… Well, at least they’ve found it and kept it secure, and the journey gives me (plenty of) time to rehearse Mika’s new songs before his concert in February.

How have you all been doing? Any resolutions or goals for 2020? Let me know! 🙂

Status Update

STATUS UPDATE – Missed Me Much, Miss Me More

To all the people who don’t like me nagging about my health: here’s your chance to tune out now 😉

I hate nagging as much as you do, but sadly at this moment it’s the one thing that got me further into feeling better. There have been some changes in my life recently, some of which I am quite proud:

  1. First change (not good): for a while now I’ve been getting really sick on at least one day a week, regularly. Weird, huh? I say it’s the *whispers* hormones again, but I am no doctor so what do I know? All that I do know is that every Wednesday (and one Tuesday) since five weeks I get physically unwell to the extent that I can’t do anything but lie down and hope it goes away fast (which it never does). Nausea, stomach aches, bowels playing up… You name it, I’ve got it.  For hours on end. And every Wednesday…? 😮 That makes no sense at all, so I decided to call my gynaecologist. And GP.
  2. Second change (pretty good): I had an apppointment planned with my gynaecologist for January 2nd. When I called and explained my issues to her assistant, she told me my doctor really can’t see me until next year. What the heck? Instead of giving up, though, I decided to try something different: I kept nagging and pleading and talking and arguing until she relented and suddenly *found* an opening on November 20th. Hah! Thought this was good? Wait ’til you read what nagging brought me next:
  3. Third change (super good!): This Friday, I called my GP. On purpose, because I know she’s out on Fridays and I like her substitute better. But, unfortunately for me it appeared as if I was never going to make it past the firewall of assistents. The one who picked up the phone listened to my problems for a short while only to proceed by repeating to me: “We cannot help you with this. No, there’s nothing we can do.”
    Again, normally I would have given up, but this time I was relentless and kept going at her until she agreed to have the GP call me back later. My doctor did so and after explaining the whole story again to her, she said (directly translated quote): “You should have come in to see me, I could have run a few tests on you already.”I can’t describe how good it felt to tell her: “I tried, but your assistent wouldn’t let me. She said you couldn’t do anything for me.”Sometimes being a b*tch feels so great! 🙂

    Anyway, my doctor’s scheduled for tons of blood tests (“Basically just everything, plus the usual”). So I’ll have my blood taken on Monday and then meet my regular GP on (irony:) Wednesday to talk it all over.

Conclusion: my health is definitely not good. It comes and goes in waves, but every week it gets drastically worse for a day or two. Or three. And then picks up and starts all over.

I know people don’t believe me because it sounds like a bad joke: every Wednesday she gets sick? Yeah, right! The sad truth is that even I feel like it’s all in my head sometimes, until it happens again. On a Wednesday 😐 And by then I am crying from feeling helpless.

So right now, my main priority is getting better. I have “WP” written in my diary to remind me to post on WordPress, read all of your posts and, basically, appear alive altogether. But honestly, I am not up for it.

Still, I am happier than I’ve been these past five weeks! 🙂 Because I took a stand (or two) and am finally sticking up for myself. And I’m not done nagging to the right people, not until I am all well again.

I am sorry if I’m letting anyone down or dissapoint someone. I’m going to take an official break from WordPress, but hope to be back sooner than anyone can imagine 🙂

Miss you all ❤

Heart to Post

HEART TO POST – From A Secret Admirer To Her Secret Cellist: A Lyrical Letter

“One good thing about music: when it hits you, you feel no pain”Bob Marley

Dear secret cellist hiding in my street: you need to practice more.

Your notes sound off-tune and you cannot play a recognisable song decently. The force behind your strokes is unbalanced and they often sound weak, as if you miss the willpower to show your musical instrument who’s in charge. The melodies you play are too light and easily hide behind the Summer winds or go astray in the Autumn skies, fleeing upwards, eager to escape their earthbound destiny.

And their destiny, I am sure, is to make my heart beat with happiness.

Hearing you play makes me want to close my eyes in silent rejoice, letting your music fill my soul with an instant happiness and a gratefulness for being under your spell.

The colours of your music find their way into my head and heart, pushing out every bad memory of the day, week or even the year. For when I hear you practice, I lose track of my burdens and my only desire is to enjoy!

To me, it doesn’t matter you restart countless times in order to get it right. It doesn’t bother me that the music notes coming my way are muffled through numerous walls or are impurified by traffic noise in the background. The sweet sound of your cello makes up for everything. Even if it’s merely a hint, a glimmer I catch of it, it leaves me longing for more.

The first time I heard you practice was on a lovely Summer day and I can’t descrive how delighted I was when I first recognised the deep, warm sounds of your cello. You made my day perfect and I was quick enough to discard my book, lean back and close my eyes, thinking only how lucky I was for having someone who would undoubtedly play my favourite instrument often and make my heart sing equally frequently.

However, the second time I heard you practice was only a few days ago. Through my bathroom wall the faint remainders of the notes you must have been playing a few doors down waltzed in. I don’t even remember what I was doing, because the moment my ears picked up on your exercise, that’s all that mattered. Pure joy.

It’s the simplest things in life that cause the most happiness and you working to grow your talent is one of my happy flaws, I am ready to admit.

So yes, your notes are unbalanced and your strokes sound weak. Your melodies easily escape into thin air, but they are never quick enough to escape my ears. And even if you have a long, long road ahead of you of becoming better and better still, I like what I hear. I like how you make me feel.

Unknowingly, you make me a happier person. And there is always room for more happiness in my life. Therefore, I appeal to you:

Dear secret cellist hiding in my street: you need to practice more.

Heart to Post

HEART TO POST – Trying To Fold My Life Into (Preferably Not A Frog) Shape

“Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay”Simone de Beauvoir


If life was measured by origami skills, I’d have a serious problem.

The other day I did the unthinkable: I searched out an old acquaintance on social media.

There are numerous reasons never to do this, the main one being it’s only going to make you feel bad about yourself. Because comparison always does.

A quick memo on comparison:

  1. You compare yourself to someone else and you lose: their lives seem better, more fulfilled. You think it’s just this one person leading a better life? Think again! Clicking through on their page is only going to make you believe every other person you come across has a better life than the one before. It’s a snowball effect of misery waiting to play avalanche on your self-esteem.
  2. You compare yourself to someone else and you win: or so you think. Ask yourself why you picked this particular person to measure yourself up to with. Possibly because you knew, deep down, you’d look better. Which is merely a sad way to cover the fact you’re displeased with your life as is. This rush of “look at me being superior!” will run off quickly, only to be succeeded by default unhappiness.

Either way you spin it, social comparison leads to despair. I know this, yet I fell for it as I recognised someone on the background of a TV show and suddenly wondered how they’d ended up.

Well… Let me put it this way: their life evolved itself a little different from mine. And by little I mean a lot!

After the initial shock (and familiar the-whole-world-is-moving-forward-and-I’m-standing-still-feeling) wore off, I realised we’re both where we need to be in life, her going her way and me going mine.

And don’t need to prove anything to anyone (although I wish I could run 10k in under less than one hour like her).

If life was an origami paper, she’s folded hers into a different shape than I did mine. In all honesty: I don’t even know what shape I am aiming for! The only bloody thing I can actually fold successfully is a frog!

-Ribbit, ribbit - I am a frog
You have to admit it’s a pretty decently folded frog, right! Sadly, it’s the only thing I can fold out of paper…

And I don’t want to be a frog, I want to be something else.

Something delicate, something special. The kind of origami you can only create after years of trying.

Because what’s the point in being like everyone else?

So I keep trying to fold something special, failing, and unfolding again. I keep straightening my paper down, drumming my fingers on the table impatiently before trying out something new.

I refuse to listen to how others folded their papers. And that’s where this woman and me went different ways: she followed instructions and created something beautiful. An origami creature that matches that of many others, but makes her (and many others) happy.

I don’t want something beautiful. I don’t want my silly frog! I want something exceptional. Something incomparable.

Because comparison never made anyone happy, and I want to be happy, but happy my way.

 

 

 

 

 


OH MY HEAVENS it’s a panda! It’s got to be a panda what I’m trying to fold! How could I not see it? If anyone’s got the secret instructions on how to make an origami panda, please share them with me! 😉