STATUS UPDATE – Missed Me Much, Miss Me More

To all the people who don’t like me nagging about my health: here’s your chance to tune out now 😉

I hate nagging as much as you do, but sadly at this moment it’s the one thing that got me further into feeling better. There have been some changes in my life recently, some of which I am quite proud:

1. First change (not good): for a while now I’ve been getting really sick on at least one day a week, regularly. Weird, huh? I say it’s the *whispers* hormones again, but I am no doctor so what do I know? All that I do know is that every Wednesday (and one Tuesday) since five weeks I get physically unwell to the extent that I can’t do anything but lie down and hope it goes away fast (which it never does). Nausea, stomach aches, bowels playing up… You name it, I’ve got it.  For hours on end. And every Wednesday…? 😮 That makes no sense at all, so I decided to call my gynaecologist. And GP.
2. Second change (pretty good): I had an apppointment planned with my gynaecologist for January 2nd. When I called and explained my issues to her assistant, she told me my doctor really can’t see me until next year. What the heck? Instead of giving up, though, I decided to try something different: I kept nagging and pleading and talking and arguing until she relented and suddenly *found* an opening on November 20th. Hah! Thought this was good? Wait ’til you read what nagging brought me next:
3. Third change (super good!): This Friday, I called my GP. On purpose, because I know she’s out on Fridays and I like her substitute better. But, unfortunately for me it appeared as if I was never going to make it past the firewall of assistents. The one who picked up the phone listened to my problems for a short while only to proceed by repeating to me: “We cannot help you with this. No, there’s nothing we can do.”
   Again, normally I would have given up, but this time I was relentless and kept going at her until she agreed to have the GP call me back later. My doctor did so and after explaining the whole story again to her, she said (directly translated quote): “You should have come in to see me, I could have run a few tests on you already.”I can’t describe how good it felt to tell her: “I tried, but your assistent wouldn’t let me. She said you couldn’t do anything for me.”Sometimes being a b*tch feels so great! 🙂

   Anyway, my doctor’s scheduled for tons of blood tests (“Basically just everything, plus the usual”). So I’ll have my blood taken on Monday and then meet my regular GP on (irony:) Wednesday to talk it all over.

Conclusion: my health is definitely not good. It comes and goes in waves, but every week it gets drastically worse for a day or two. Or three. And then picks up and starts all over.

I know people don’t believe me because it sounds like a bad joke: every Wednesday she gets sick? Yeah, right! The sad truth is that even I feel like it’s all in my head sometimes, until it happens again. On a Wednesday 😐 And by then I am crying from feeling helpless.

So right now, my main priority is getting better. I have “WP” written in my diary to remind me to post on WordPress, read all of your posts and, basically, appear alive altogether. But honestly, I am not up for it.

Still, I am happier than I’ve been these past five weeks! 🙂 Because I took a stand (or two) and am finally sticking up for myself. And I’m not done nagging to the right people, not until I am all well again.

I am sorry if I’m letting anyone down or dissapoint someone. I’m going to take an official break from WordPress, but hope to be back sooner than anyone can imagine 🙂

Miss you all ❤

HEART TO POST – From A Secret Admirer To Her Secret Cellist: A Lyrical Letter

“One good thing about music: when it hits you, you feel no pain”– Bob Marley

Dear secret cellist hiding in my street: you need to practice more.

Your notes sound off-tune and you cannot play a recognisable song decently. The force behind your strokes is unbalanced and they often sound weak, as if you miss the willpower to show your musical instrument who’s in charge. The melodies you play are too light and easily hide behind the Summer winds or go astray in the Autumn skies, fleeing upwards, eager to escape their earthbound destiny.

And their destiny, I am sure, is to make my heart beat with happiness.

Hearing you play makes me want to close my eyes in silent rejoice, letting your music fill my soul with an instant happiness and a gratefulness for being under your spell.

The colours of your music find their way into my head and heart, pushing out every bad memory of the day, week or even the year. For when I hear you practice, I lose track of my burdens and my only desire is to enjoy!

To me, it doesn’t matter you restart countless times in order to get it right. It doesn’t bother me that the music notes coming my way are muffled through numerous walls or are impurified by traffic noise in the background. The sweet sound of your cello makes up for everything. Even if it’s merely a hint, a glimmer I catch of it, it leaves me longing for more.

The first time I heard you practice was on a lovely Summer day and I can’t descrive how delighted I was when I first recognised the deep, warm sounds of your cello. You made my day perfect and I was quick enough to discard my book, lean back and close my eyes, thinking only how lucky I was for having someone who would undoubtedly play my favourite instrument often and make my heart sing equally frequently.

However, the second time I heard you practice was only a few days ago. Through my bathroom wall the faint remainders of the notes you must have been playing a few doors down waltzed in. I don’t even remember what I was doing, because the moment my ears picked up on your exercise, that’s all that mattered. Pure joy.

It’s the simplest things in life that cause the most happiness and you working to grow your talent is one of my happy flaws, I am ready to admit.

So yes, your notes are unbalanced and your strokes sound weak. Your melodies easily escape into thin air, but they are never quick enough to escape my ears. And even if you have a long, long road ahead of you of becoming better and better still, I like what I hear. I like how you make me feel.

Unknowingly, you make me a happier person. And there is always room for more happiness in my life. Therefore, I appeal to you:

Dear secret cellist hiding in my street: you need to practice more.

HEART TO POST – Trying To Fold My Life Into (Preferably Not A Frog) Shape

“Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay” – Simone de Beauvoir

---

If life was measured by origami skills, I’d have a serious problem.

The other day I did the unthinkable: I searched out an old acquaintance on social media.

There are numerous reasons never to do this, the main one being it’s only going to make you feel bad about yourself. Because comparison always does.

A quick memo on comparison:

1. You compare yourself to someone else and you lose: their lives seem better, more fulfilled. You think it’s just this one person leading a better life? Think again! Clicking through on their page is only going to make you believe every other person you come across has a better life than the one before. It’s a snowball effect of misery waiting to play avalanche on your self-esteem.
2. You compare yourself to someone else and you win: or so you think. Ask yourself why you picked this particular person to measure yourself up to with. Possibly because you knew, deep down, you’d look better. Which is merely a sad way to cover the fact you’re displeased with your life as is. This rush of “look at me being superior!” will run off quickly, only to be succeeded by default unhappiness.

Either way you spin it, social comparison leads to despair. I know this, yet I fell for it as I recognised someone on the background of a TV show and suddenly wondered how they’d ended up.

Well… Let me put it this way: their life evolved itself a little different from mine. And by little I mean a lot!

After the initial shock (and familiar the-whole-world-is-moving-forward-and-I’m-standing-still-feeling) wore off, I realised we’re both where we need to be in life, her going her way and me going mine.

And don’t need to prove anything to anyone (although I wish I could run 10k in under less than one hour like her).

If life was an origami paper, she’s folded hers into a different shape than I did mine. In all honesty: I don’t even know what shape I am aiming for! The only bloody thing I can actually fold successfully is a frog!

You have to admit it’s a pretty decently folded frog, right! Sadly, it’s the only thing I can fold out of paper…

And I don’t want to be a frog, I want to be something else.

Something delicate, something special. The kind of origami you can only create after years of trying.

Because what’s the point in being like everyone else?

So I keep trying to fold something special, failing, and unfolding again. I keep straightening my paper down, drumming my fingers on the table impatiently before trying out something new.

I refuse to listen to how others folded their papers. And that’s where this woman and me went different ways: she followed instructions and created something beautiful. An origami creature that matches that of many others, but makes her (and many others) happy.

I don’t want something beautiful. I don’t want my silly frog! I want something exceptional. Something incomparable.

Because comparison never made anyone happy, and I want to be happy, but happy my way.

 

 

 

 

 

---

OH MY HEAVENS it’s a panda! It’s got to be a panda what I’m trying to fold! How could I not see it? If anyone’s got the secret instructions on how to make an origami panda, please share them with me! 😉

Letters to Life (58)

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you” – Random Paper Wisdom (quote is from Walt Whitman)

Dear Life,

After a pulled right groin muscle and a possible inflamed nerve in my left index finger, both which seem reluctant to heal any time soon, I now also face a very likely case of heel spur (if my online translation device is correct – if not: OUCH with every step. You get the picture).

And have I mentioned my sore back, increased moments drenched in migraines and a stomach that just won’t settle? That actually decided to play up during a concert I looked forward to for months, forcing me out early?

Surely I’ve scolded you for making the flu come, go and return, Life, because I’ve just about had it with that virus! And what’s up with my kidneys lately? What kind of game are they playing with my bladder, tricking me into thinking I need to go yet there’s nothing to let go of?

Yes, I am unhappy with my current state of physical affairs. But what worries me most is that I find it harder and harder to see the sunny side, Life. To believe it’s all temporary. That “this too, shall pass.” That all the kind words I use on my friends are lost when it comes to my mirror image.

Today, despite the pain in my heel, I went for a walk. To take in the sunlight and the flair of Fall. To get my thoughts sorted out and my mood lifted.

I felt a little hard-headed at first, but in the end I succeeded. A little.

I might not be in a happy place right now, Life, but I know I will be. Things will get better – eventually. And when they do, I’ll appreciate them more than I would today if nothing was wrong.

For despite all the nagging and my sub zero mood, Life, I am not ready to give up on you yet 🙂

 

PS: I know I am in generally good health and should not complain, but I felt upset after this… build up of physical issues. I just wanted to blurt it out, sum it up, and move on. I hope you can forgive me for my slightly negative perspective on life lately. This was why. I need time to heal (that’s literally all my doctor keeps saying: “it will heal, but it takes time”) and have a little faith restored; trust in a positive outcome. I’ve just been a little impatient, that’s all 🙂

I hope you are all in good health ❤

Letters to Life (57)

“I realise I hold my own destiny in my hands, like a sculptor with a rock that he’s going to chisel into shape” – Random Paper Wisdom

Dear Life,

The magic of Saturday made me wish for more days like that, yet at the same time found me grateful for their scarcity. Because that makes them much the most special.

My family is busy and chaotic but every year we manage to find a spot in everyone’s agendas for a family get-together, usually at a theme park.

With my nephew and nieces around, I tend to forget I am not good with children or how awkward I am around them; every silly thing I do is warmly welcomed by the whole lot.

So much so, that I even got away with child abduction, Life! Albeit for just a little while… 😉

We had finished our lunch and were lazily making our way over to the next ride. I thought having my two nieces with me – one by each hand – would slow me down (especially because there was a fair amount of skipping involved) and I figured the rest would catch up with us in no time.

However, while twirling around  for what felt like forever in what I considered was a rather aggressive giant tea cup, panic started to rise: where were the others? Were they really going to leave me alone with two children?

But then the youngest of them giggled her contagious I-am-having-SO-much-fun laugh while the other got comfortable by putting up her legs on the seat and resting her head on my chest, and I couldn’t help but smile at this stolen moment, Life.

And the best part: yesterday was filled with such moments! With all three of them.

With one more on the way (my middle sister is due in December – nope, don’t expect me to reproduce) I am already looking forward to our family outing next year. And the next. And the next. And the… And…