Aside, Status Update

About New Years And Old Acquaintances

“Don’t be shy about asking for help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it only means you’re wise”Unknown


Before I write anything else, I want to wish everyone a very belated yet earnest

Happy 2021!

I know it’s well overdue, but I’ve been told it’s allowed until at least the beginning of Spring, so… I’m not too late, surely? πŸ˜‰

Anyway, I’ve been quiet, as always, because I’ve been doing all sorts of things, as always, apart from sleeping (as from November).

That’s a small lie: my sleeping has improved. A “good night” now varies between 5-7 hours of sleep and sometimes I even get that without any “help” such as a sleeping pill or melatonin. So even if I still find myself exhausted throughout various moments of the day, my insomnia is slowly (very slowly) decreasing.

In my last post I wrote about seeing a coach-like person… Well, that was a joke! Haha, it still makes me laugh out loud, thinking back to it all :’)

After interviewing me for about 20 minutes he declared I was “severely traumatised” and needed to find myself a “trauma psychologist, not a regular one, one that specialises in traumas.”

When I asked him what my trauma was, exactly, since I honestly didn’t know (still don’t), he told me that’s something I have to figure out with the trauma psychologist.

Whut? If you start talking like that, don’t we all suddenly need to see a “trauma psychologist”? How does this make sense? I don’t see it, but okay, I can shrug it off.

The coach-like person then proceeded by assuring me that him and me, we could work on boosting my low self-esteem.

I think that was the moment my jaw literally dropped. I must have looked at him with a more than just puzzling look on my face, because he reacted surprised by my, well, surprise.

I told him there was nothing wrong with my self-esteem. Sure, it’s been super low for super long, but I’ve also been building it up for quite a while, thank you very much, and I didn’t see the point in focussing on that right now. I mean, I have other priorities, such as, I don’t know, SLEEPING?

So, after 25 minutes of what was supposed to be a 30 minute session, my coach-like person rolled his chair back, threw his hands up and screeched: “Then WHY are you here!?”

I know that was the moment I lost my respect for him as a coach. I mean, I know I don’t actually have clients right now so this man’s got one over me, but… If somebody shows up for coaching, I make sure to let them tell me why they’re sitting in my office, not vice versa.

Anyway, when in doubt what to do, mimic what you see. So I, in turn, threw my hands up at him and shouted: “Finally you ask! I have barely slept for 4 weeks and I think it’s due to stress. I mean, all kinds of things fill my head and at night I lie awake.”

His advice? (You can giggle, it’s okay. I do it, too.)

His professional advice to me after telling him I lie awake at night was: “Don’t.”

When I asked him how he didn’t actually burst into song, yet he did pressure me to just “let it go.”

Honestly! I could do his job! And so much better!

Against all better reasoning I made a follow-up appointment for 3 weeks later. Sometime during those weeks I talked to a good friend of mine who asked me why I didn’t look into my old psychologist? The one that helped me get through my depression 12 years ago. Maybe she was still around and could help me? Surely it was worth looking her up?

So I did.

And guess what?

I found her! πŸ˜€ And she still works as a psychologist! Very close by, too!

I’ve contacted her and she’s got a waiting list for about 6 weeks, which sounds long but is far better than the 5 months a lot of other mental helpers have. So in a few weeks she’ll contact me and I’m curious to hear what she has to say, although I am convinced it’s going to be much better and way more helpful than “let it go.”

But, since I am not too good to teach anyone a lesson, including myself, I decided to go to the second appointment with the coach-like person anyway, just to… well, “show him in what state my self-esteem really was.”

When he asked me how I’d experienced our first session, I asked him if I could be frank (nobody ever says no to that, do they?). I told him I’d found it very useless, and that I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his advice to “not lie awake.”

He denied having said that.

Here’s a funny little intermezzo: every time somebody’s ever insulted me in the past and I confronted them with it, they either ended up denying it or blaming it all on me.

Normally I just leave it at that, but not this time. I told the “coach” I have a fantastic memory and an auditive one at that, and that he did say that, literally.

The crimson colour that appeared on his cheeks ran all the way down his neck.

People, that was by far the best moment I had in 2020! πŸ˜€ Eureka for standing up for myself, while keeping my cool (and icy glare).

The man sitting opposite of me started to mumble that maybe I was better of with a psychologist. I told him I agreed. He started explaining how to get a referral letter from my GP. I told him I already knew. He grasped his computer mouse and started googling some psychologists he knew. I told him I had already found one.

We stared at each other for a while and I remember thinking There is nothing this man can teach me.

Don’t get me wrong: I think he was kind and nice. He just wasn’t the right person to help me.

But… that’s where I’m at right now. Proud of myself (and boy did I sleep that night!), with a healthy self-esteem as proof of what I did in that man’s office, awaiting my time to meet up with my old psychologist.

12 years is a long time and she didn’t remember me, which I think is logical. But I have a good feeling about this.

Maybe everything that went wrong in 2020 only did so, so I could set it right in 2021.

2021 is going to be one heck of a year, I can sense it. But I am adamant to make that a positive thing!

How have you all been doing? I hope you’re all well! Stay safe and sane, people πŸ™‚

Aside, Heart to Post

About Awards & Appreciation

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom”Marcel Proust


I have to admit it’s easy to forget about award
nominations. Not because I don’t care, rather because I don’t see myself as someone who should receive any.

And that’s not because I think I am horrible – I don’t – but more so because I don’t think my writing is that good. Or better put: I always think there’s room for improvement.

So, to Rez in particular (this post was WAY overdue!) and Kamal as well: I am SO sorry for this late reply to making me a nominee for two wonderful blogging awards ❀ ❀

I’ve thought about the nominations and have read about the awards you want to give me, and I find myself torn between accepting out of gratitude and declining because it’s not me. I am going to do the unimaginable and decline out of gratitude.

First of all: thank you. Thank you for giving me a pat on the back, for liking my writings and for making me feel appreciated and worth it. Thank you thank you thank you from one kind heart to the kind hearts of the two of you. I mean it: thank you!

However, I am going to decline the awards (and any that might follow in the future) for the not-so-simple fact that just the nominations mean so much more to me. I don’t need an actual award to fill the widget-side of my blog or to crown a special page when I’ve got people (re-)visiting my blog, liking and commenting on my writings. The award is an award, however valuable, but you are a living human being I’m connecting with. You’re priceless! And that means more to me in appreciation than any award could ever reflect.

So, again: thank you for thinking of me and nominating me. But ever so more thank you for being a part of my community. It just wouldn’t be the same without you in it πŸ™‚

That goes to everyone who’s been visiting my blog, be it for a day or for the 6+ years I’ve been here. And especially to Rez from Rez Scribblez and Kamal from Kamal’s Blogging Cafe. You have wonderful blogs and deserve more attention from me. You all do.

 

 

Aside

Songs Lost, Songs Found

I accidentally-yet-happily stumbled upon this gem recently. I think it was a song we had to learn in music class 100 years ago in high school, but I am not sure. What I am sure about, is that I completely forgot about its existence until I saw it mentioned somewhere (was it a Google prompt? I forgot).

I love you, I.

My head is so full with old doubts it’s hard to remember new things. My heart is (strangely) at ease, yet there’s a thin layer of sadness covering it. But when I hear this song I feel 100% alive.

Today would have been my niece’s 3rd birthday. Her name was another flower. Seems only right to share this rosy one with you here ❀ ❀ ❀

Aside

HAPPY NEW YEAR – January Is The Best Time To Get Your Priorities Straight

Happy 2020, everyone! I hope you had a wonderful 2019 and are ready to take on the new year with excitement, renewed energy and enthusiasm!

As for me: I have been doing a little better physically, but I am far from where I want to be. Still, an improvement is an improvement, no matter how small, and I take every teeny tiny flicker of victory as exactly that: a victory πŸ™‚

As 2019 was rounding up, something magical happened: my youngest niece J. was born! As many of you probably know, we lost her sister I. in 2017. The impact of this loss caught up to me in a thousandfold as I held the newest member of our family in my arms for the first time. J. will probably never know how grateful I am for her presence, her heartbeat, her perfect existence in this less than perfect World ❀

I can honestly say I have never enjoyed holding babies much (something with them being so fragile and their head needing support), but this baby I’ve already held more times than I did the others combined. I keep finding myself in strategic positions so that her parents will pass her on to my arms, which they always do, heheh.

Something else happened: my *attacks* have lessened. That is to say, I still get sick and it still happens on a weekly basis. But it’s no longer always on a Wednesday and the force of the attacks has decreased. Seems like my homeopathic diet is working πŸ™‚ I’ve also picked up working out, albeit on a very low level of intensity. I’ve had my first run since four months a little while ago and even did half a Body Pump workout a week ago. I am still exhausted after every exercise, but at least doing something is better than nothing.

And then there was the final realisation of 2019 that turned my whole world upside-down: I’ve been investing so much energy into this one particular someone, it’s literally been keeping me up at night.

When all went wrong again and my worries peaked again and I saw that person again and they pretended their life was A-okay again, it finally hit me: that person will never learn to take responsibility for their own actions, problems and happiness if I keep rushing to the rescue. I am wasting my energy on them. Energy that I very much need myself.

So I stopped worrying. I stopped wasting this much of myself on them, and decided it was time to choose for myself. To invest all that extra energy I now have into myself! πŸ˜€

And that realisation is the driving force behind my new goals:

I figured the dating is optional, but if I feel good and my business is making a profit, why not consider finding a partner? Who knows, in the worst case I’ll end up alone, like I am now, but I’ll surely feel fine about it because I’ll already have reached goals 1 and 2.

And just because making my business as a life coach a success is number two on the list, doesn’t mean I’ll not spend time on it now. My list of goals are actually my current priorities. Feeling healthy and content should always be everyone’s top priority.

It’s never been mine, though. I was always busy taking care of others…

In that light, me feeling terrible is a good thing. Because it showed me right where my flaws were: never was I really focused on me.

My goals (or priorities) have given me a renewed drive to work on myself and something to write about. For a while I was struggling where to take this blog to. I tried several things that weren’t really me. But now I’ve found something to occupy myself with that I can use as a topic for my writings as well.

I say that’s a happy start of 2020!

It’s just a bit sad I have to drive back to the restaurant at the other side of the country tomorrow, because that’s where I lost my credit card today… Well, at least they’ve found it and kept it secure, and the journey gives me (plenty of) time to rehearse Mika’s new songs before his concert in February.

How have you all been doing? Any resolutions or goals for 2020? Let me know! πŸ™‚

Aside

A Little Update – All About My About Me

For those of who who have eagerly been awaiting this day: I’ve updated my About Me page! Click on any of the links to go there (in this text, in the links session, on my image there –>) and see what is new.

I promise I will update more and write more. It’s just that every time I think I’m doing better, something else gets in the way. This time it’s a mild case of the flu and a large case of a terrible band currently playing outside on the grassy field near my house.
I reckon it’s to celebrate the new primary school’s first anniversary. However, they’d be better off playing the original version as opposed to this… In Dutch we would call it kattengejank (“a cat’s howling”).

So far, I’ve heard them severely abuse Ed Sheeran‘s Perfect as well as Narcotic from Liquido.

Kind of ironic, this, seeing as I share my personal playlist on my new About Me page – it’s filled with (good) music. Good and diverse, so go check it out!

That’s all I have to share right now. Life’s been pretty dull with the flu and work being just the same.

How have you all been doing? Let me know in the comments! πŸ™‚