- Definition: Giving up actively searching for yourself all over the World, only to find you had always had yourself right there with you, wherever you went.
“All this time I was finding myself, and I didn’t know I was lost”
– Avicii (From: Wake Me Up) –
“Who am I?”
For the majority of my life I tried to find an answer to that question. And I always felt incredibly lost for not ever finding it. Maybe that’s the most important reason for me to always have felt an indescribable desire to travel: what if I find myself somewhere?
I think I honestly – deep down, but honestly – thought finding yourself would be like meeting a friend. Like you’d just bump into you, start a conversation and click. And that if you found yourself, wherever you kept yourself hidden in the World, you’d be complete. A full, whole you.
But I wasn’t finding me, I was only finding bits and pieces of myself. Things, such as character traits or habits, that I liked and disliked. Focus points I wanted to change. I met people I wished I was a bit more like. And I met people I never want to be like! But I never met a complete version of me.
One day I got tired of looking and gave up. I stopped, sighed, and figured I’d take a break. Like reading a tough book: sometimes, in trying to understand it better, it helps to put it away for a while before picking it up again. I thought of myself as such a book and decided to put my seemingly eternal search for the real me aside.
And that’s when I found myself.
I wasn’t hidden between the pandas in China. I wasn’t tucked away among the students in Ireland. I wasn’t playing hide-and-seek on that bus in Canada. And yet I was in all those places!
The real me was inside me all along. I just forgot to look in the most obvious of places, because I never imagined I’d be hiding there. I never thought I was already me; I always figured I was a bad version of myself and I needed to change, change, change. That I’d eventually go some place and magically transform into the person I longed to be.
And while I was out hunting for myself, inwards I was silently becoming the person I was looking for.
That strong woman I always wanted to be, is already inside me. I took her with me everywhere I went, not even knowing she was there. But when I stopped desperately trying to find her, she found me instead.
I am still growing and learning, but knowing I am complete after all is my biggest discovery yet.
“Who am I?”
I am me, Samantha. I am strong, I am stubborn but sweet, and I am great at hiding 😉