Heart to Post, Status Update

About All Kinds Of Issues

“Insomnia is a vertiginous lucidity that can convert paradise itself into a place of torture”Emil Cioran


Well, that writing challenge sure was over sooner than I thought… It’s been put on my list of things to do one day, yet I suppose we all know that’s code for probably never.

And I’m not even sorry about it.

For the past 29 days I have not really been sorry about anything. Like not working on my business – not sorry.

Neglecting my appearance – not sorry.

Not working out – not even going to try and be sorry about this one.

The thing is: I have insomnia. Don’t ask me what keeps me up at night, please, because I don’t know. I know it’s more than 1 thing, or else I’d be able to answer that question.

I know the English equivalent is about a camel and a straw, but in Dutch we say “it’s the droplet that makes the bucket spill”.

I feel as if I am the bucket, and I was doing okay, then all of a sudden all these small, seemingly irrelevant little things happened all at once and now I’m spilling over as if it’s the only thing I’m left knowing how to do.

I wouldn’t mind being this bucket, honestly. Come on, it’s a panda!

Things as my eldest sister turning evil and trying to feed me cherry pie. Like, really? I’ve hated cherries all my life, never even as much as eaten half a one, and you dare ask me if I’m sure I “don’t want just a small piece?” – talk about crap acting, too. She “did not get anything else as a treat for her 41st”, because she “assumed everyone would enjoy the cherry pie.” Imagine the whole family munching away and me sitting there with nothing.

And no, it’s not the cake. I couldn’t care less. It’s being excluded that hurt. Deliberately excluded. So there was that.

Then there was a series of happenings involving a series of ex-classmates. One of them started her own business, and even if she’s doing something completely different than me, she got double the Facebook likes in one week than I’ve managed to collect in two years. It makes me feel as if everyone sees it, you know, The Secret To Running A Successful Business, but me. I’m definitely missing something here, and it’s more than Facebook likes (which is funny, because I hate Facebook and normally don’t care too much for likes of any kind, anywhere. It’s just the thought of me doing something wrong and not knowing what).

About a month ago I’m driving my car and what do I see when about to hit a roundabout? A giant blown-up face of another ex-classmate who’s running for a local government office position (I don’t even know where to begin trying to explain this, so just picture a massive head on a poster and a terrible slogan to accompany it). It scared me. Not just the face (he is actually younger than me yet looks about 10 years older!), but the fact that he’s the main face of a big political local party and I am… where in my life, exactly?

Then my birthday comes along and I am not even allowed to take revenge on Evil Sister, because I live with my parents and, well, they just love to see their grandchildren munch away at home-made apple pie. So there you have it: my own sister treats me like sh*t, won’t talk about what’s bothering her and instead decides to go full passive aggressive on my butt, and I cannot even strike back because of her children. It’s like they’re her shield to avert attacks from outside. Yuck.

It feels as if I am still the doormat I have been trying so hard not to be. “Take the punches, but don’t ever think of hitting back or else I’ll keep the kids away from mom and dad and it will be your fault” – that’s what I hear, in my head. It’s quite possibly not entirely fair, but Evil Sister has once said: “Maybe I shouldn’t come home for a year and then they’ll respect me more, too” (referring to our other sister’s one-year disappearance act), so I am not keen on proving my theory either right or wrong…

And of course, my business is doing sh*t as well, and no, it’s not just COVID, it’s me! I have no *** idea what I am doing, and even if I am convinced I am a super coach (I actually really do believe I am great at coaching!), I lack in the Getting Clients department.

What also doesn’t help is that the person I hired to teach me all that jazz, a) has postponed the programme I enrolled in due to personal matters and b) possibly doesn’t understand me.

I am not like other people. You say things as social media following and I don’t get excited, I shiver. And what the heck would I do with email addresses if people were to sign up for my blog or website!? Why should I pester anyone with “special offers” when I’m really more into attracting people who already know they want a coach?

I’ve had coaching clients in the past. None of them signed up for any list, downloaded any free email clickbait or decided they should follow my persona because I am “so cool”.

I reckon it worked fine for all of us, really, but now all I hear is how building a list of emails is a must to be a self-employed coach (or anything else).

Al I am trying to say is that I don’t get it, the whole entrepeneuring-thing. To me, following what everyone else does because it works feels… fake. If there’s only one way of becoming a successful self-employed coach, wouldn’t that mean we’re all essentially doing (and being) the same? The same motives, the same techniques, the same methods, the same websites, the same stories, all over and over. Endlessly repeated like we’re The A-Team reruns on TV. How can you stand out when you’re only ever copying others?

There has got to be a different way, surely? But… I haven’t found it yet and so far it’s kept me from having had any clients in 2020. So, do I relent or do I keep fighting?

Anyway, to sum it all up: my life feels like a joke. And it’s a feeling that’s been simmering in the background, but has come to a boil due to all these separate events that quickly followed one another.

Have I mentioned yet that what keeps me up at night is my head spinning? As if I can’t turn it off, no matter how tired I am (and I am tired!! So, so tired!). My heart often beats so loud it’s as if it’s trying to come out of my chest, and every time I am about to fall asleep, I am immediately jerked back to sleeplessness by a panic attack or two, that increase in waves and force as the night lingers on.

My doctor (who is finally retiring!! BEST NEWS OF 2020!!) prescribed me highly-addictive sleeping pills that work – sometimes. Sometimes they don’t.

At least they’ve given me a goal for 2021: detoxing.

December 3rd is my date with – irony inserted here – a GP-linked coach.

In five days I am going to talk about my issues with a man who has the job I want.

Who knows, maybe he can give me a hint or two.

This post is growing much longer than I’d imagined… Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought, after all – and this is just the tip of the iceberg, really.

Anyway, that’s why I’ve been even more silent than I normally am: I don’t sleep. I am exhausted all day long, yet when it is time to close my eyes and drift off, all I do is panic.

And I wish I could say I am not sorry about that, but I am. Very much.

I refuse to give up, though. So what if I am different and it’s hitting me harder than it’s ever done before? I’ve had a long walk and talk with a good friend yesterday, and it’s helped me clear some things up.

And then there’s this last song, of course. My personal anthem, if you will. I don’t give up. I don’t run. Not from panic attacks, not from Evil Sisters and surely not from really scary giant old-looking men’s heads on posters (although when encountered in real life, I’d definitely run!).

You don’t get me down. I know, you keep me up.

But you also give me plenty of time to overthink my strategy.

Luctor et emergo.

I struggle and overcome – again and again and again. And again.

Here’s to everyone suffering from anxiety, stress, insomnia or all of the above:

We might not sleep. But we don’t run away from our problems, either.

 

 

 

gifs from Giphy

Heart to Post, Writing Challenge

About The Places I’d Go…

“Often, bumpy roads lead to beautiful places”Dave Martinez

Whoops, there life was, getting in the way of my plans. Sorry about that.

Then again, most of you are probably used to me being MIA every so often. I guess I just didn’t want to let you down 😉

Life has actually been very busy, with tons of ups and downs as is natural. But today I am back to picking up where I left off, as I am determined to bring this writing challenge to a good end (just when that end will be remains a mystery).

#5 – List 5 places you want to visit:

Just 5?

Well… that’s a bit of a let-down. Or a challenge, depending on how you look at it 😉

In the light of COVID-19 I’d say even a short list of 5 places reads as a drama story, considering I won’t be visiting any anytime soon, but oh well. I am not the only one and like Einstein (presumably) said: my imagination can take me anywhere.

But as soon as my money peaks and the borders open, here’s where I’d like to go:

5. Tirol

I once started a private list of silly things to do in foreign places and guess what’s to do in Tirol? I am thinking much more than learning how to yodel, but at the same time: why not? I can definitely visualise myself on top of a mountain in a short skirt, surrounded by cows and other quirky people like me, yodelling our hearts out*. After a few drinks, of course. And in the right company.

* Please do not make me any wiser if learning how to yodel in Tirol is nothing like this…

4. Japan

Next on the list: Kappa fishing in Japan. Don’t laugh. Don’t judge. Don’t growl at me either! I saw this in a documentary about Japan and it seemed like just the thing I’d do. I like cultural spirituality, and much like elves in Iceland and trolls in Norway, this sounds like a fun afternoon to me. Plus, with my worm-phobia fishing with a cucumber as bait seems like a great plan!

3. Jukkasjärvi

What’s wrong with me? The moment the temperature outside hits below 10 centigrades I stop feeling my feet and start complaining about hypothermia, yet I feel the very strong desire to spend a night in an ice hotel!? It doesn’t even have to be Jukkasjärvi, anywhere in Sweden is fine (although I probably had you re-reading that twice, didn’t I?)

2. Wicklow

Oh, woe to me! With a weekend-birthday this year I had Great Plans to visit Ireland in a cottage in Wicklow. Do some hiking, visit my beloved Dublin, maybe even attend an Oscar Wilde-play. Find pure happiness in a pure environment. Why, COVID, why!? (My back-up plan is visiting a panda-infested zoo, so I’ll be alright. The ‘woe me’ is for dramatic purposes only – I’d rather be healthy at home than running free in Ireland, potentially getting sick or making others so.)

1. Seljalandsfoss

Mark my words: I will walk that path behind that waterfall one day! Iceland might be freezing cold (again: what is wrong with me? My feet really don’t like me…), but somehow it’s nested itself comfortably in my heart. I cannot get this country out of my head! Truly everything I saw there was worth going back, and then some. Plus, crazy or not, I’d like to try some of that cured shark…

There are many more places I’d like to go one day. I have yet to visit Oscar’s grave in Paris, for one. Or walk (yes you read that right) the marathon of Médoc. Eat a true Wiener Schnitzel in Vienna and stay overnight at a panda hotel somewhere in China that I once saw featured on TV.

But the five places above… they pull at me the strongest.

And seeing as they’re all pretty costly, I best begin saving up 😉

 

 

 


What places would you like to visit? Let me know in the comments or take on this challenge yourself – let me know if you do! (You can find the original and full challenge here)

Aside, Heart to Post

About Awards & Appreciation

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom”Marcel Proust


I have to admit it’s easy to forget about award
nominations. Not because I don’t care, rather because I don’t see myself as someone who should receive any.

And that’s not because I think I am horrible – I don’t – but more so because I don’t think my writing is that good. Or better put: I always think there’s room for improvement.

So, to Rez in particular (this post was WAY overdue!) and Kamal as well: I am SO sorry for this late reply to making me a nominee for two wonderful blogging awards ❤ ❤

I’ve thought about the nominations and have read about the awards you want to give me, and I find myself torn between accepting out of gratitude and declining because it’s not me. I am going to do the unimaginable and decline out of gratitude.

First of all: thank you. Thank you for giving me a pat on the back, for liking my writings and for making me feel appreciated and worth it. Thank you thank you thank you from one kind heart to the kind hearts of the two of you. I mean it: thank you!

However, I am going to decline the awards (and any that might follow in the future) for the not-so-simple fact that just the nominations mean so much more to me. I don’t need an actual award to fill the widget-side of my blog or to crown a special page when I’ve got people (re-)visiting my blog, liking and commenting on my writings. The award is an award, however valuable, but you are a living human being I’m connecting with. You’re priceless! And that means more to me in appreciation than any award could ever reflect.

So, again: thank you for thinking of me and nominating me. But ever so more thank you for being a part of my community. It just wouldn’t be the same without you in it 🙂

That goes to everyone who’s been visiting my blog, be it for a day or for the 6+ years I’ve been here. And especially to Rez from Rez Scribblez and Kamal from Kamal’s Blogging Cafe. You have wonderful blogs and deserve more attention from me. You all do.

 

 

Heart to Post

About All Kinds Of Emotions & One Kind Of Remedy

“My moods are like a roller coaster. It’s hard for me to just feel one way all the time”Tierra Whack

 

This week, my To Do List topped:  Strangle my gynaecologist.

I am not an aggressive person and I don’t believe in using violence to solve a problem, but I can honestly say that if I had seen that woman sometime during last Monday or the days following, she would have had an incredibly hard time getting away from me without a scratch. Or two.

For those of you who don’t know me (too) well: I’ve been having severe weekly nausea attacks combined with all kinds of physical craziness for the unhappy period of about nine months, ever since I stopped taking the pill. For the full story I suggest you browse older posts as I am done with that chapter of my life.

Anyway, the gynaecologist already mentioned concluded my cries for help with: “it’s definitely not the hormones”, that it was “all in my head” and that I should go and “talk to someone about it.”

Very long story very short: I talked to someone about it. It’s not in my head.  And last Monday I found out my physical maladies ARE 100% hormonal!

AND THERE IS A REMEDY!

Thank goodness for Google being brilliant and my low blood pressure being persistent, because the combination of the latter with PMS in the almighty search box gave me what I’ve secretly been craving for nine months: a possible cure.

Vitex agnus castus  (monk’s pepper) is a homeopathical supplement that is used to help women balance out their hormones.

Vitex Agnus Castus or Monk’s Pepper is often used to help women deal with physical complaints due to hormonal disbalances

Can you imagine how upset I was to learn I’ve been sick more on than off for three quarters of a year while this stuff was out there already, making women like me feel better every day!?

That, basically, I’ve been sick for no reason? That my physical problems could have been prevented?

I fully realise that a homeopathic supplement is a “natural remedy,” which are hardly ever recognised by regular health care. And that even if it works wonders on countless women worldwide, it might not do anything for me, personally.

But I still went and bought two bottles of it right away!

The reason why Monday made me angry enough to want to strangle my gynaecologist is mostly because I was so relieved to find this possible remedy. To me, it was proof that I am not crazy and this is a real thing!

Then the sadness hit me because I started counting back the nine months since I got sick, all which might have been prevented if only I’d known about this sooner…

And I have been really sick. Despite no longer grounding me to my bed or returning weekly, the nausea attacks still creep up on me regularly and drain my energy in total. So yes, sadness for all that’s happened.

But… if Monday was a dark roller-coaster, Tuesday left no doubt in what I felt: happiness, because my package arrived within 24 hours of ordering Monk’s Pepper, and hopefulness that mine, too, will turn into a success story!

To Do List: Strangle my gynaecologist Tackle my hormones once and for all.

 

 

 

 

What was on your To Do List this week? How did you go about that?

Heart to Post

About Heaps Of Money & Leaps Of Faith

To quote a certain blonde pop singer I was a huge fan of at ages 12-14: “It’s been a while. I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting, but I’m here now.”

(In case of any doubt: yes, I mean Britney Spears)

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged or spent enough time reading your blogs, but I am here now 🙂


A few weeks ago my mother came to me and told me about a nightmare she’d had: her and my father had died, my sisters had insisted on selling the house and I had ended up spending the rest of my life living in a cardboard box.

My mother has since repeated this fear to me with increasing anxiety, as she’s convinced it will come true.

What my mother is incredibly good at, is 1) projecting fears onto people and 2) blaming them for it.

Her SUPER POWER, however, is making people who already feel bad feel WORSE.

I’ve been feeling like such a failure for months on end now, because my business is not picking up. It’s gotten to a point where I can honestly say it’s doing as bad as any decent doom scenario: I am losing money. I have bills to pay and make no income. Can’t get worse than that, right?

After my mother’s nightmare talk (pun intended) my dread grew worse and I picked up my phone to start looking for a 9-5 job immediately.

If anyone of you has ever read Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, you might recognise the lesson to “listen to what you heart has to say” when I write that my heart ached as I clicked on a job opening for a pharmaceutical packer.

I don’t know what a pharmaceutical packer does exactly, but I do know they make way more money than me – but so does the rest of the World right now, I imagine.

My heart almost literally hurt when I clicked on job description after job description and I eventually caved; I don’t want to just give up on my coaching business until I’ve at least really tried to make it work!

So I did the unthinkable and hired a business/marketing coach.

It cost me almost the remainder of my savings, but after netting a 30 minute free “strategy session” that turned into a 90 minute excited talk about passions and how to deal with the marketing aspects of a business, I dare say me and the marketing coach really clicked. I enrolled in her marketing programme that starts in September and she’s immediately given me access to all her online trainings (that are quite impressive in number – and success rates!).

Taking this step, this risk, scares me witless. What if my investment won’t pay off? My bank account will hit 0 sooner than my mum can make curtains for my cardboard box! But… If I don’t do this, then the results will inevitably be the same.

I understand my mother, I know she’s only worried. I am the first person in our family to try and start their own business and therefore I am not related to anyone who can relate (you’ve got to admire that sentence!).

But I have to do this… As painful as the confrontation with my mother was, seeing that money disappear onto someone else’s account was strangely liberating. I am actually going to do this. I am going to give it a massive, honest, passionate try! With almost literally everything I got!

With that, I felt my heart rejoice. If it doesn’t scare you, it’s not worth doing, right?

I hope that’s right.

I’ve given myself a year to get on my financial feet. If after that time it didn’t happen, I’ll gladly take that cardboard box from my mother’s nightmare.

And use it to do whatever pharmaceutical packers do.

 

 

 

 

What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? How did that work out for you?