Letters to Life

Letters to Life (58)

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you”Random Paper Wisdom (quote is from Walt Whitman)

Dear Life,

After a pulled right groin muscle and a possible inflamed nerve in my left index finger, both which seem reluctant to heal any time soon, I now also face a very likely case of heel spur (if my online translation device is correct – if not: OUCH with every step. You get the picture).

And have I mentioned my sore back, increased moments drenched in migraines and a stomach that just won’t settle? That actually decided to play up during a concert I looked forward to for months, forcing me out early?

Surely I’ve scolded you for making the flu come, go and return, Life, because I’ve just about had it with that virus! And what’s up with my kidneys lately? What kind of game are they playing with my bladder, tricking me into thinking I need to go yet there’s nothing to let go of?

Yes, I am unhappy with my current state of physical affairs. But what worries me most is that I find it harder and harder to see the sunny side, Life. To believe it’s all temporary. That “this too, shall pass.” That all the kind words I use on my friends are lost when it comes to my mirror image.

Today, despite the pain in my heel, I went for a walk. To take in the sunlight and the flair of Fall. To get my thoughts sorted out and my mood lifted.

I felt a little hard-headed at first, but in the end I succeeded. A little.

I might not be in a happy place right now, Life, but I know I will be. Things will get better – eventually. And when they do, I’ll appreciate them more than I would today if nothing was wrong.

For despite all the nagging and my sub zero mood, Life, I am not ready to give up on you yet 🙂

 

PS: I know I am in generally good health and should not complain, but I felt upset after this… build up of physical issues. I just wanted to blurt it out, sum it up, and move on. I hope you can forgive me for my slightly negative perspective on life lately. This was why. I need time to heal (that’s literally all my doctor keeps saying: “it will heal, but it takes time”) and have a little faith restored; trust in a positive outcome. I’ve just been a little impatient, that’s all 🙂
I hope you are all in good health ❤
Letters to Life

Letters to Life (56)

“You should use your fist rather to laugh into, than to hit something with”Random Paper Wisdom (quote is from Herman Brusselmans)


Dear Life,

Frustration… Is there anything worse to experience emotion-wise? Is there anything more useless to experience emotion-wise?

Actually, don’t answer that last one. Before you know it I’ll start one of my “jealousy is the most futile emotion in the world”-rants. Best to steer clear from that, Life, otherwise I’ll end up feeling more frustrated than I do already.

Frustration pokes its head up the second things don’t go as planned. Where other emotions at least have the decency to bang on your door for a while before breaking through, frustration is rude. And cunning: it simply climbs a window. Before you know it, it’s taken over your mind completely and you didn’t even see it come in!

The emotion is hard to beat, because it knows no stopping! It keeps coming back around, bringing along family members, filling up every available millimetre of your head and wearing you out. The worst part: it won’t even go away after you’ve acknowledged its existence! How unfair. All other emotions do.

I am frustrated, Life. Mainly it’s due to my happy hormones. They all seem to be raving inside my body. I suspect they’re out looking for more ways to taunt me besides bloating me up waist down.

Frustration has also invited one of its cousins to the party inside my head as I feel upset about my fitness burn-out, too. They kind of work well together: the party starter is making me feel upset over gaining useless wait, the cousin for not being able to work it off.

I know the only thing I need is time for this all to pass and for me to stop beating myself down. All I can do is sit and wait for the Frustration Family to move out.

And then quickly change the locks.

Heart to Post

Heart to Post – About Dracula, Pyjama Pants And Simply Being Irresistible

This post is a bit long, but you’ll enjoy it nonetheless. I promise!

Well, whaddaya know, turns out I am irresistible! Go figure.

Fun fact: recently I’ve decided to take up battle with my hormones. If you don’t know me well enough: my hormones have a history of making me physically sick and their evil influence increased over time. To shut them down I went on hormone-regulated medicine, which worked fine for years, but started to show signs of weakness not too long ago.

I decided to tackle this problem once and for all. Step one was to stay off my medication and let my hormones think they run the show again, so I could knock ’em down for good.

As it turns out, though, after years of being suppressed, my hormones are quite slow on taking over. Meanwhile, I am experiencing some inconveniences of hormonal shifts in my body, such as being bloated.

Mainly being bloated.

And at that point, I’d like to start off my irresistible I-went-on-a-trip-to-Romania-story: a very bloated (and equally unhappy) me with my eldest sister W embarking on a foreign adventure.

Whether it were my hormones or the influences of the scorching sun melting everyone’s minds I do not know. What I do know is that during that seven day trip through Romania, I could have picked at least three guys to come home with me.

Now, if you didn’t know about my Battles Of The Hormones, you’ll probably also not know about my commitment issues. And by issues, I mean phobia. Anyone coming too close too fast to my likings, is met with an icy cold wall of ignorance, a silent treatment so quiet it’ll make you think I went deaf overnight, and me strapping on my running shoes quicker than you could mouth “I like you”, to run as far away from you as inhumanly possible.

Feel free to laugh about commitment-phobic me and three interestees. But save some for later when it truly becomes hysterical.

The love bite, it is the beginning. You will be irresistible - Bela Lugosi

Guy one was the lone traveller of our group. If you’ve ever went on a group travel, then you know there’s always at least one person in that group travelling alone. Just them. And the group.

Our lovely loner was a quiet, decent man who soon gave me the idea of being *yikes* into me. Luckily I had W, who disagreed wholly with that theory. So I did something quite unnatural: I stopped panicking.

Then one talkative night, the loner’s reaction to finding out I am single was a little too excited to my likings. But instead of hopping into my comfortable runners, I simply told him I am not looking for a relationship and left it at that. Result: no panic and no wooing. In that order.

Guy two was a bartender/waiter at a Romanian restaurant. W and me went there for a drink one night and we got chatting as I asked him after traditional Romanian food. He showed us the full menu and wouldn’t stop talking. At one point I mentioned W nearly breaking her neck due to the poor street work, after which W vows she heard him say to me: “Luckily it wasn’t you.”

And when me, W, the loner and a young couple went to dine at his restaurant on our last night in Romania, I kept receiving my food and drinks first and he kept growing more nervous every time he visited our table. But even after the woman of the couple jokingly mentioned: “Now I know why you wanted to come back here!” I managed not to freak out.

The worst one, though, was guy three: our final day consisted of a few hours in Bucharest and then flying back to Amsterdam. The weather had been too hot to wear my PJ’s, and I had slept in my underwear the whole week. Anticipating another uncomfortable flight (I swear my legs are too long!), I had put on my pyjama bottoms already. They are old sweatpants and nothing else I own is more comfortable.

So there I was, roaming Bucharest with twenty-three others, wearing my pyjama bottoms and being bloated still. The sun was out and I was slowly melting, so all in all I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever looked less appealing on a holiday.

“Like a moth getting trapped in the light by fixation, truly free, love it, baby”from: Irresistible by Fall Out Boy

Our guide, showing us around the capital city, suddenly spotted some policemen. He made his way over and our guide asked: “Who wants a picture with the police?”

Many of the ladies from our group, me included (still bloated, in pyjama bottoms and sweaty) eagerly posed next to the officers.

I mean… men in uniforms… I may have commitment issues, but I am not fully immune, thank you.

Afterwards, one of the officers rushed over to me (still bloated, in pyjama bottoms and sweaty) and asked to see the picture and if I could send it to him (NOOOO), so I said “Sure!” and he gave me his name to look him up on Facebook.

Now, even though I have no intention of ever reaching out to him (I thought he was quite creepy, despite his uniform), I still said yes because I was afraid of what he might do if I turned him down.

But that’s not the point. The real point is, I am irresistible (and still bloated and sweaty. It’s too hot for pyjama bottoms though).

No matter how sh*t I think I look, somehow, some people disagree. And no matter how lost I feel as a love cause, somehow, some people disagree.

I don’t get it either, but what I do get is that something has changed. Besides my hormones.

My perception of love, my panic attacks, my scares… Perhaps it was the magic of Romania, but I believe something inside me is no longer the same. Maybe it is time to let go of those old, comfortable running shoes, that silent treatment I carry around in case I need it, and my icy cold wall of ignorance. I honestly think I’ve outgrown them.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet 🙂

Oh, and about Dracula: he’s never really lived in Dracula’s Castle. Go figure.

Letters to Life

Letters to Life (55)

I seek peace within and not outside of myself. When I have found inner peace, I will not yearn for anything or reject anythingRandom Paper Wisdom


Dear Life,

The problem is I’m not really ambitious about anything. Except running. I know I am not a good enough runner to win any kind of competition, but I am ambitious in the sense that I want to improve myself. Running is easier to train and get better at faster than a lot of other things, Life.

My goal was to be able to run 7.5k and my training started off great! I impressed myself with hitting 7k as early as April this year.

Take in mind I started from a solid 5.5k basis and had given myself three months for every 500 metres increase. So April was better than I could have imagined! I felt sure I’d be running 7.5k easily long before December would knock on my door.

Unfortunately, you decided otherwise.

After hitting 7k two weeks straight, I experienced a major relapse as my body suddenly refused to make it past a meagre 5k.

Time to reconsider: go back to 5k and build up from there. For a while, this seemed to work and I crawled back to a shaky 6k.

The past four weeks I haven’t been able to hit my target distances, Life. My breathing is off and my mindset is rotten; I am not enjoying myself, because I know I’m incapable of hitting my goals.

Apparently, this happens to more people and they have a name for it: sports burn-out.

I assume this is your way of telling me to slow down and rekindle my running fire. Not by chasing high goals, but by going back to the basics and learning to enjoy my runs again.

Because in the end, that’s your most important lesson, Life: enjoy yourself. Be in the moment.

It’s good to strive for greatness, except when it makes you lose your appreciation.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

Status Update

Pandabear With Me Again – Or Still

A small insight into my past couple of weeks:

  • My mother had dark urine and, needless to say, that immediately put everyone in my family right back on their toes: what if she’s got cancer again?  She went to our GP who sent her straight to the hospital for a series of check-ups. You know, just in case.
  • As the anxiety levels were rising in our family, I remembered I also had an appointment in hospital myself. Remember my hormone-issues? Well, let’s just say I sort of chose to provoke them before they had a chance to pester me again unexpectedly. Result: tests and check-ups to see where my issues are stemming from.
  • After several different (and futile) tests, my mother’s blood-in-urine-issues increased, also making her back and belly ache. Giant alarm clocks started ringing and I made her call her specialist, who immediately changed her final test and appointment from August 5th to July 1st. Why such a rush, my mind kept asking itself. What if she’s got cancer again?
  • Monday came and went, and after a long day of stress, the question on everyone’s mind was negatively answered: no, it’s not cancer! ❤ My mother appeared to have a tiny kidney stone, and since no one had anything better to do, she was scheduled in to have it pulverised the next day.
  • Tuesday came and went, but a little slower than Monday. If my mother seemed happy and vibrant even after the pulverisation of her kidney stone, she was the complete opposite after her painkillers wore off. I have NEVER in my life seen anyone in that much pain!! D: All the stories I ever heard of people with kidney stones dying of pure agony are true!
    Turns out the pulverisation worked wonders, but the kidney stone parts coming loose were a little less magical. Worst part: nobody gave my mother strong painkillers to take home! Imagine my level of pissed-off-ness as I phoned the hospital while my mother kept busy with throwing out her dinner and being completely miserable.
    After over an hour of phoning, being redirected and nearly threatening people, I managed to get some heavier painkillers for my mum than freaking paracetamole. Poor her. And yay me. I didn’t know I had it in me, but as it turns out I do have a bitch-switch. So be warned. I am not easy!
  • After what’s probably the worst night in the history of my mother (luckily when I’m asleep I am ASLEEP) in which she spent more than one moment in the bathroom being sick and in agony again (with my dad comforting her), I had to go to hospital myself. The last time I was there, they did an internal ultrasound on my uterus, which I hadn’t been quite prepared for at the time, and after not finding anything due to my meds, they promised to redo the examination 3 months later. Which was now. Fully prepared, and with a huge feeling of reluctance hanging over me, I went back. After spending 20 minutes in the waiting area the doctor called me in. For a chat. I was back out again 5 minutes later, nothing done.
    Strangely, this all gave me a familiar feeling of not being taken seriously and everyone just trying to get me on something hormonal again to stop my misery, but only temporarily. I felt upset. And I refuse to let this thing run that course again. So, I am going to do what my doctor told me to do, which is map out my complaints when they start again. And then I am going to moan and complain and bitch until she helps me decently. Remember that bitch-switch? I am happy I found I have it. Watch me bite your head off next time you try to help me by not helping me *growl*

And now my stress is leaving my body. I’ve been building it up inside for a while and now I can “relax”, I feel I am exhausted again, can’t find any sort of motivation to do anything, not even the fun things, and all I want to do is watch TV and eat chocolate.

Oh, by the way, I also apparently overstretched my groin by taking on a “daily 7 minute work-out challenge” as my monthly goal. Ouch! It’s not too bad, but raising my right leg up does make my groin sting, so I am advised to not work out and take my rest.

I blame the hormones. I bet they know what I’m up to and they’re gearing up for battle…

Anyway, that’s what’s been keeping me busy lately. This week, so far, I’ve done nothing productive! Due to holidays and vacations, I’ve only worked 2 days and the rest was just me, TV and chocolate. But I need it.

I need my time to build strength. Just now I did an eye-opening visualisation exercise and it did make some things extremely clear. And reading and binge-watching anything that moves on my dad’s new TV screen (it’s huge, but he needed it to “be able to read the subtitles”. Don’t ask.) has helped me clear my mind as to what I want with Heart to Follow. Do I want to stop blogging? Nope. Do I want to continue the way I am blogging now? Nope.

So changes are afoot. Again. But I think everything is going to be good and positive.

I hope you’re all doing wonderful and thank you for being patient with me, for so many times, for so long already. ❤ ❤