Heart to Post

About Missing Pieces And Fulfilment

“The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity”Douglas Horton


You know you have changed as a person when you’ve passed a life test with flying colours. A test that, years ago, you’d never have succeeded in finishing, for the simple fact that there was (literally) a piece missing.

Are you ready for a little paradox?

Over the Christmas holidays, me and my mother took it upon us to finish a puzzle of 1,000 pieces. Don’t ask me why, because neither one of us is into jigsaws, yet we thought this would be a fun challenge.

We started on Christmas Eve and a few weeks later (we didn’t work on it every day), this was the end result:

It feels like I spent hours looking for that missing piece, but I failed to find it. It could be anywhere or nowhere at all (maybe it wasn’t even in the box to begin with, who knows?). In reality, though, I’d given up my search in about ten minutes.

The absence of this one meagre puzzle piece would have felt like a thorn in my old self’s eye and I wouldn’t have been able to step over it for days, weeks maybe. Perhaps I’d never have been able to really accept the frustrating fact that one lousy piece was missing – a failure, even if 999 pieces are in place, the annoyance of that one piece missing would instantaneously destroy any feelings of success.

The new me sighed it off after a mere few minutes and carried on with her life. There’s more important things to worry about, I thought.

That’s your paradox right there: that one piece missing from the jigsaw is also a lost piece I’ve found in my personality. I’ve grown.

That silly we’ll-never-do-that-again* puzzle might be unfinishable, I am working on my own personal completion, one piece at a time.

How have your holidays been? Any pieces you’ve added to your own puzzle?

 

 

 

*My mum’s birthday is coming up and as a surprise gift I’ve ordered a custom made jigsaw, another astonishing 1,000 pieces, of her grandchildren. I’m afraid we’ll actually do it all again, but I hope this time we won’t be missing any bits

PS: I am slowly coming back to life and I’ve put “WP” in my journal. That’s code for “I hope to make time this week to read up on all if your blogs” (finally)!

Aside, Status Update

About New Years And Old Acquaintances

“Don’t be shy about asking for help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it only means you’re wise”Unknown


Before I write anything else, I want to wish everyone a very belated yet earnest

Happy 2021!

I know it’s well overdue, but I’ve been told it’s allowed until at least the beginning of Spring, so… I’m not too late, surely? 😉

Anyway, I’ve been quiet, as always, because I’ve been doing all sorts of things, as always, apart from sleeping (as from November).

That’s a small lie: my sleeping has improved. A “good night” now varies between 5-7 hours of sleep and sometimes I even get that without any “help” such as a sleeping pill or melatonin. So even if I still find myself exhausted throughout various moments of the day, my insomnia is slowly (very slowly) decreasing.

In my last post I wrote about seeing a coach-like person… Well, that was a joke! Haha, it still makes me laugh out loud, thinking back to it all :’)

After interviewing me for about 20 minutes he declared I was “severely traumatised” and needed to find myself a “trauma psychologist, not a regular one, one that specialises in traumas.”

When I asked him what my trauma was, exactly, since I honestly didn’t know (still don’t), he told me that’s something I have to figure out with the trauma psychologist.

Whut? If you start talking like that, don’t we all suddenly need to see a “trauma psychologist”? How does this make sense? I don’t see it, but okay, I can shrug it off.

The coach-like person then proceeded by assuring me that him and me, we could work on boosting my low self-esteem.

I think that was the moment my jaw literally dropped. I must have looked at him with a more than just puzzling look on my face, because he reacted surprised by my, well, surprise.

I told him there was nothing wrong with my self-esteem. Sure, it’s been super low for super long, but I’ve also been building it up for quite a while, thank you very much, and I didn’t see the point in focussing on that right now. I mean, I have other priorities, such as, I don’t know, SLEEPING?

So, after 25 minutes of what was supposed to be a 30 minute session, my coach-like person rolled his chair back, threw his hands up and screeched: “Then WHY are you here!?”

I know that was the moment I lost my respect for him as a coach. I mean, I know I don’t actually have clients right now so this man’s got one over me, but… If somebody shows up for coaching, I make sure to let them tell me why they’re sitting in my office, not vice versa.

Anyway, when in doubt what to do, mimic what you see. So I, in turn, threw my hands up at him and shouted: “Finally you ask! I have barely slept for 4 weeks and I think it’s due to stress. I mean, all kinds of things fill my head and at night I lie awake.”

His advice? (You can giggle, it’s okay. I do it, too.)

His professional advice to me after telling him I lie awake at night was: “Don’t.”

When I asked him how he didn’t actually burst into song, yet he did pressure me to just “let it go.”

Honestly! I could do his job! And so much better!

Against all better reasoning I made a follow-up appointment for 3 weeks later. Sometime during those weeks I talked to a good friend of mine who asked me why I didn’t look into my old psychologist? The one that helped me get through my depression 12 years ago. Maybe she was still around and could help me? Surely it was worth looking her up?

So I did.

And guess what?

I found her! 😀 And she still works as a psychologist! Very close by, too!

I’ve contacted her and she’s got a waiting list for about 6 weeks, which sounds long but is far better than the 5 months a lot of other mental helpers have. So in a few weeks she’ll contact me and I’m curious to hear what she has to say, although I am convinced it’s going to be much better and way more helpful than “let it go.”

But, since I am not too good to teach anyone a lesson, including myself, I decided to go to the second appointment with the coach-like person anyway, just to… well, “show him in what state my self-esteem really was.”

When he asked me how I’d experienced our first session, I asked him if I could be frank (nobody ever says no to that, do they?). I told him I’d found it very useless, and that I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his advice to “not lie awake.”

He denied having said that.

Here’s a funny little intermezzo: every time somebody’s ever insulted me in the past and I confronted them with it, they either ended up denying it or blaming it all on me.

Normally I just leave it at that, but not this time. I told the “coach” I have a fantastic memory and an auditive one at that, and that he did say that, literally.

The crimson colour that appeared on his cheeks ran all the way down his neck.

People, that was by far the best moment I had in 2020! 😀 Eureka for standing up for myself, while keeping my cool (and icy glare).

The man sitting opposite of me started to mumble that maybe I was better of with a psychologist. I told him I agreed. He started explaining how to get a referral letter from my GP. I told him I already knew. He grasped his computer mouse and started googling some psychologists he knew. I told him I had already found one.

We stared at each other for a while and I remember thinking There is nothing this man can teach me.

Don’t get me wrong: I think he was kind and nice. He just wasn’t the right person to help me.

But… that’s where I’m at right now. Proud of myself (and boy did I sleep that night!), with a healthy self-esteem as proof of what I did in that man’s office, awaiting my time to meet up with my old psychologist.

12 years is a long time and she didn’t remember me, which I think is logical. But I have a good feeling about this.

Maybe everything that went wrong in 2020 only did so, so I could set it right in 2021.

2021 is going to be one heck of a year, I can sense it. But I am adamant to make that a positive thing!

How have you all been doing? I hope you’re all well! Stay safe and sane, people 🙂

Heart to Post, Writing Challenge

About The Places I’d Go…

“Often, bumpy roads lead to beautiful places”Dave Martinez

Whoops, there life was, getting in the way of my plans. Sorry about that.

Then again, most of you are probably used to me being MIA every so often. I guess I just didn’t want to let you down 😉

Life has actually been very busy, with tons of ups and downs as is natural. But today I am back to picking up where I left off, as I am determined to bring this writing challenge to a good end (just when that end will be remains a mystery).

#5 – List 5 places you want to visit:

Just 5?

Well… that’s a bit of a let-down. Or a challenge, depending on how you look at it 😉

In the light of COVID-19 I’d say even a short list of 5 places reads as a drama story, considering I won’t be visiting any anytime soon, but oh well. I am not the only one and like Einstein (presumably) said: my imagination can take me anywhere.

But as soon as my money peaks and the borders open, here’s where I’d like to go:

5. Tirol

I once started a private list of silly things to do in foreign places and guess what’s to do in Tirol? I am thinking much more than learning how to yodel, but at the same time: why not? I can definitely visualise myself on top of a mountain in a short skirt, surrounded by cows and other quirky people like me, yodelling our hearts out*. After a few drinks, of course. And in the right company.

* Please do not make me any wiser if learning how to yodel in Tirol is nothing like this…

4. Japan

Next on the list: Kappa fishing in Japan. Don’t laugh. Don’t judge. Don’t growl at me either! I saw this in a documentary about Japan and it seemed like just the thing I’d do. I like cultural spirituality, and much like elves in Iceland and trolls in Norway, this sounds like a fun afternoon to me. Plus, with my worm-phobia fishing with a cucumber as bait seems like a great plan!

3. Jukkasjärvi

What’s wrong with me? The moment the temperature outside hits below 10 centigrades I stop feeling my feet and start complaining about hypothermia, yet I feel the very strong desire to spend a night in an ice hotel!? It doesn’t even have to be Jukkasjärvi, anywhere in Sweden is fine (although I probably had you re-reading that twice, didn’t I?)

2. Wicklow

Oh, woe to me! With a weekend-birthday this year I had Great Plans to visit Ireland in a cottage in Wicklow. Do some hiking, visit my beloved Dublin, maybe even attend an Oscar Wilde-play. Find pure happiness in a pure environment. Why, COVID, why!? (My back-up plan is visiting a panda-infested zoo, so I’ll be alright. The ‘woe me’ is for dramatic purposes only – I’d rather be healthy at home than running free in Ireland, potentially getting sick or making others so.)

1. Seljalandsfoss

Mark my words: I will walk that path behind that waterfall one day! Iceland might be freezing cold (again: what is wrong with me? My feet really don’t like me…), but somehow it’s nested itself comfortably in my heart. I cannot get this country out of my head! Truly everything I saw there was worth going back, and then some. Plus, crazy or not, I’d like to try some of that cured shark…

There are many more places I’d like to go one day. I have yet to visit Oscar’s grave in Paris, for one. Or walk (yes you read that right) the marathon of Médoc. Eat a true Wiener Schnitzel in Vienna and stay overnight at a panda hotel somewhere in China that I once saw featured on TV.

But the five places above… they pull at me the strongest.

And seeing as they’re all pretty costly, I best begin saving up 😉

 

 

 


What places would you like to visit? Let me know in the comments or take on this challenge yourself – let me know if you do! (You can find the original and full challenge here)

Writing Challenge

About My Top 3 Pet Peeves

“Peeves do not make very good pets”Bo Bennett

I once had an About Me listing the 11 weirdest facts of me as a form of introduction. However, I don’t recall all 11 as clearly. I’ll try to give you 3 original pet peeves, but forgive me if I accidentally repeat myself 😉

#3 – List Your Top 3 Pet Peeves:

From 3 to 1 (because I can!), here’s my top 3:

3. Bad spelling/grammar

So okay, nobody is perfect. And writing in a language second to your native one is a challenge, always. But I recall once researching language schools when I received a letter of one full of spelling errors. It was an official Dutch institute, yet their letter was filled to the brim with the most common mistakes made. You’re a language institute, you should be on top of languages at all time! It took me all the courage I could muster NOT to correct every error and send the letter back (I am a Scorpio, I take things heavy and hold grudges. Love me or leave me alone).

I also do not get Dutch “street language”. I just don’t. Must be a generation thing, because it’s used in many songs teenagers listen to nowadays. Or when people abbreviate words without any reason. How am I suppose to enjoy what you write me if you can’t even find the time to write it in the first place?

2. Spitting on the ground (or retching in general)

More than your average pet peeve, I’d say in terms of dating this would be my number one turn off. I get beyond icky when someone in the street searches their toes for the biggest, worst possible phlegm he/she can muster, then drops the aforementioned ginormous lump of spit somewhere random.

China was hell for me.

Well, obviously it wasn’t (pandas! <3), but it took some time before I was able to walk the streets of Chengdu without nausea rising within me. If you want me to leave quicker than you can spell emetophobia, you drop your spit somewhere near me and watch me flee in horror.

1. Liars

There’s car salesmen and there’s empty liars. The first will cheat you out of money and into a broken vehicle. The second will spin make belief around you like cotton candy: sticky, overly sweet, and afterwards you’re left washing the sugar stains off your hands, face, clothes, hair, teeth, and everywhere else you didn’t think it would hit you.

Car salesmen are bad, but can be avoided once you see through them. Hot air salesmen (as I call them) will try to make you believe something non-existent. Like, how amazing they are, for instance. Or how many college degrees they have. Or how big their head is (which usually is true, actually, but not because it’s filled with the intelligence they claim to own). Hot air salesmen will sell you whatever story they think will make you see them as The Most Amazing Person On The Planet, yet in the end you’re left with nothing but hot air. Not even a broken car to cry over; empty hands more like.

Also, a hot air salesman, when caught with a lie, will only hit you with more lies so as not to lose face. They’ll never own up to their stories being fake, rolling from one lie into another, much like how a snowball turns into an avalanche. They embody my number one pet peeve.

 

 

 

 


What is your biggest pet peeve? Let me know in the comments or take on this challenge yourself – let me know if you do! (You can find the original and full challenge here)

Letters to Life

Letters to Life (65)

“Failure is only the opportunity more intelligently to begin again”Henry Ford

Dear Life,

Doing my taxes the other day got me wondering about two things:

1 –  Did they have to make it this difficult? The wording of some of the questions was badly chosen at best and completely incomprehensible for the remainder of the tax forms.
I mean,  I went to college! I graduated With Distinction! So we’ve already established I am not stupid, yet I feel stupid when I ponder my brilliant mind about what exactly it is my tax service wants to know…

2Thank goodness there are people in this World who devoted their time, attention and college choices to become tax advisors. I honestly don’t know how they do it, Life, but it must be one of your miracles not to see them crumble and falter under such boring tasks that come with – UGH – doing taxes.

Anyway, adamant to learn how to do my own – now that I am a business owner it’s gotten more challenging – I decided to try and figure it out before my tax advising cousin comes over next week to check on my hard work and possibly laugh at my tax stupidity (in which case I will not feed him).

2018 was my first year as a professional life coach and my one and only paying customer scored me a whooping €49 in tax returns last year! Keen on getting even more out of it this year, the shocking negativity of the numbers hit me: -€800.

That’s minus eight hundred Euros, Life! That means I spent more money than I earned!

However disappointing this outcome, I did not take too long to get over it. I am learning how to run a business, how to make it profitable and I am learning how to do my taxes. This is my learning curve!

So my taxes are a downer, but who knows what wonders await me in coaching? I mean, I am only just getting started. This? This is but a warm-up!

Before you know it, I’ll be coaching (and doing my taxes) With Distinction. Because I am brilliant ❤

Did your taxes depress you, too, or are they also making way for improvement next year? Let me know I am not alone in this! ↓↓